Not tentacle porn. Sadly.

Premise: Airforce One goes down in a storm and the President is ejected in some crazy escape pod that can keep him alive for two weeks. The marines attempt to rescue him from “the bottom of the ocean” but hijinx en the form of giant tube worms (which are NOT tentacles) ensue. Also General Linda Hamilton is still a badass, and there’s some sort of drama subplot between her and the hero/team leader which was super convoluted in a way that made me notcareatall.

 Remember: I can’t spoil a movie that arrives pre-spoiled. 

To the list:

Why am I in this horrible f&%king movie?

      1. In any big monster destructo movie situation my first question is always “Why are they killing us, and why aren’t they eating us?” All of a sudden these tentacles (tube worms [possible alien electric things]) appear out of the big blue and are like “let’s slaughter some hooomans!” Why? Is this a monster rage thing? Why aren’t they eating us? I seldom go around stomping on small animals, so why would a giant tentacle take time out of its day to stab individual soldiers with its tentacle spears (Spoiler: tentacle spears). According to Bermuda Tentacle logic (not logic) these jobbers have been underwater for centuries, so why would they suddenly emerge and turn into aggressive a*&holes?
      2. How can they see? They have no eyeballs. They are tentacles! I don’t see a face associated with those tentacles. So, I am supposed to believe that these tentacles, can precisely pick out a soldier with a gun and tentacle spear him? Or a tentacle can find a person hiding behind a wall and just “la-dee-dah, I seeee you?” They have no eyeballs. Shenanigans!
      3. I did not recognize Jaime Kennedy until he spoke, and then my first thought was “Dude, you are fat and old.” Then, I looked down at myself and got sad. Jaime Kennedy, we are fat and old. You play a science doctor on the tvs, and I am a writing doctor in the reals, but we share a thing; that thing is fat oldness.


        I was in Terminator God*&#mit….And who the f#&k brought Fat Jaime Kennedy onboard…what the f@&k happened to him? Is he pregnant?

      4. They are running out of time and now need to take a submarine down into an underwater cavern. They have two hours to find the president. Dun-dun-DUN!
      5. What the F@#k is a “Click?” And why are military dudes ever only two clicks away from ANYTHING? Am I two clicks from my kitchen right now? Am I two clicks from the next town over? I have no idea, because what is a click?
      6. Spoiler! Everything:
        Hooray! The Bermuda triangle mystery has been solved. An alien lives in a big cave under the ocean and likes to steal planes and boats. Then it likes to take those planes and boats back into its cave to decorate. They are all laid out very neatly in exact rows. Some have been stripped of most of their parts. This begs the question: is the Bermuda triangle mystery just a vast conspiracy covering up alien underwater chop shops and salvage? I think it is.
      7. Spoiler! Haircuts:The president needs a haircut. I’m glad they found him.
      8. Spoiler! There’s a what now?:
        Oh, wait. There’s a floating electro orb? Did a tentacle build that out of scrap parts from its chop shop?
      9. Spoiler! Actual dialog:
        President: “What’s going on?”
        My answer: “Sir, you’re in a syfy movie. Nothing makes sense.”
      10. Spoiler! That’s not a cave:
        It’a a ginormous, impenetrable space ship that can disintegrate stuff! Where are the tentacles now? Did they just disappear? Those tentacle things can not have built that space ship. Who is running the show? I have questions! (Syfy does not have answers.)

        Who built that ship? We’ll never know.

      11. Oh, they’re going to have to blow up the ship (with a rocket launcher) over Cape Hatteras before the ship arrives at Miami. RIP Cape Hatteras. Also, good luck with that rocket launcher, soldier dudes.
      12. Unnecessary philosophical discussions about the greater good are unnecessary in a film like this, and yet…
      13. Spoiler! “Cape Hatteras has been destroyed.”
        Has it though? I saw like 20 confused extras on a beach get zapped by a flood light. That isn’t so much “destroyed.” The palm trees didn’t even get zapped. And how the f@$k do the people on the beach not see a giant ship approaching them until like the last second? I’m starting to be okay with those particular 20 people being death rayed.
      14. Spoiler! Alien Tech is Weaksauce:
        Oh, YOU CAN destroy a giant space ship with a rocket launcher? So much for that advanced technology. Maybe if the soldiers all had boards with nails in them they could have defeated the tentacles before needing to get to the ship?
      15. Spoiler! Fluid Mechanics:
        Dear Syfy, It’s good you took the “sci” part out of your name. Here’s the deal: when a big ass ship crashes into the ocean, it will make a wave.

Conclusion: There was never any glimpse of the aliens driving the tentacles or space ship. There wasn’t a single tentacle porn joke either. The whole thing ended with a big OO-RAH! and WOO HOO! then the end. No resolution. I’m left wondering what they’re going to do now? Will the president ever get a haircut? Will hot dude get with serious lady? Why can’t Jamie Kennedy and I grow up to be hot like Linda Hamilton? Am I cheating by watching Syfy movies? Will I watch Big Ass Spider when it runs on the 21st? All of these are questions! I only know the answer to the one about Big Ass Spider, and that answer is yes…how could I not?