So we start off with the typical “I’m going to Hell’s Kitchen” response from all the contestants. They board a bus and they drive around the city. They suck champagne. They get hair and makeup done at the Orpheus Theater. There is the sound of a packed house, crowd cheering. Everyone is excited and the curtain goes up. They all then realize:

“Holy crap! I’m in HELL, or rather Chef Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen!

In typical fashion, he starts off his relationship with his new contestants on a high note:

By berating the hell out of them.

“What did you expect? Standing ovations? Really? Resumes mean nothing.”

Yeah, they’re in for it.

I have to wonder if the producers seek out the most narcissistic, self-deluded individuals for this show. I know chefs. They have an ego. They need to. For what the chefs I know earn, they take crap day in and day out. Their ego prevents them from collapsing into a self-despising downward spiral of self-doubt and despair. These fools are trying to win a $250,000 job in BLT Steak in NYC. These folks are just fooling themselves cause they’re sure not fooling anyone else. Especially Chef Ramsey. Sure, he’s a pompous git. Sure, he’s over the top. He’s earned the right to be. Is he an ass? Sure. It’s his show and his rules. Anyone who comes into this contest believing otherwise is already on their way out the door before they even pick up a knife and stab themselves in the back.

This year’s idiots contestants “chef-testants” are:

The members of the Red Team (Women) include:

Elizabeth Bianchi

Age: 27

Occupation: Line Cook

Hometown: New York, NY

Signature Dish: Pan-Roasted Quail

Natalie Blake

Age: 23

Occupation: Sous Chef

Hometown: Harrodsburg, KY

Signature Dish: Lamb Chops

Amanda Colello

Age: 26

Occupation: Personal Chef

Hometown: Sun City, CA

Signature Dish: Eggplant Rollatini with Creamy Polenta

Jamie Gregorich

Age: 24

Occupation: Sous Chef

Hometown: Bradenton, FL

Signature Dish: Lollipop Lamb Chop with Red Onion Confiture

Carrie Keep

Age: 31

Occupation: Pantry Chef

Hometown: Dallas, TX

Signature Dish: Chicken-Fried Rib Eye with Yukon Mashed Potatoes and White Truffle Cream Gravy

Gina Melcher

Age: 34

Occupation: Restaurant Consultant

Hometown: Cape May, NJ

Signature Dish: Pistachio Scallops

Jennifer Normant

Age: 34

Occupation: Chef de Cuisine

Hometown: Boston, MA

Signature Dish: Special Secret Pork with Mashed Sweet Potatoes

Krupa Patel

Age: 30

Occupation: Private Chef

Hometown: Queens, NY

Signature Dish: Stuffed Naan with Cilantro Chutney

Elise Wims

Age: 26

Occupation: Line Cook

Hometown: Pittsburgh, PA

Signature Dish: Pesto Seared Scallops with Sautéed Escarole

The members of the Blue Team (Men) include:

Chino Chang

Age: 39

Occupation: Executive Chef

Hometown: Hatboro, PA

Signature Dish: Korean BBQ Beef

Brendan Heavey

Age: 31

Occupation: Head Chef

Hometown: Hoboken, NJ

Signature Dish: Salmon with Basil Cream Sauce

Monterray Keys

Age: 34

Occupation: Line Cook

Hometown: Darby, PA

Signature Dish: Pan-Seared Sea Bass

Will Lustberg

Age: 31

Occupation: Sous Chef

Hometown: Jersey City, NJ

Signature Dish: Sheep’s Milk Ricotta Gnudi

Paul Niedermann

Age: 26

Occupation: Jr. Sous Chef

Hometown: Davie, FL

Signature Dish: Eggplant Involtini

Steven Paluba

Age: 44

Occupation: Sauté Chef

Hometown: Ridge, NY

Signature Dish: Seared Diver Scallops with Wild Mushroom Risotto

Jonathon Plumley

Age: 34

Occupation: Head Cook

Hometown: Memphis, TN

Signature Dish: Punch-Drunk Chicken

Tommy Stevens

Age: 31

Occupation: Line Cook

Hometown: Brewster, NY

Signature Dish: Toasted Coconut Crab Cake

Jason Zepaltas

Age: 29

Occupation: Line Cook

Hometown: Chicago, IL

Signature Dish: Pork Tacos

Results of the night: Men’s team wins the first round and go out to dinner. They have a fun time. Ladies’ team loses, has to clean both kitchens.  The bitching starts immediately. The next day, Jason hyperventilates while getting the day’s dishes ready. He’s out. Done. First man down.

BAM! (to borrow a phrase).It only goes downhill from there. Wrong orders, burnt entrees, rice pudding risotto, and chefs falling down on the job throughout the service. I’d be amazed if these chefs would even be able to work at a summer camp cooking hot dogs and hamburgers. In the end, the Blue team ends up two chefs down and Steven is gone Day 1.

More from David Sobkowiak: