OK so I know that people might think I need a paper writing helper to get quality writing out of me but you have to understand that I am an idea man! So while I might not always pump out the posts, you can rest assured that I am thinking up genius ideas while I am busy not writing anything.
So my latest brain gem is how I am going to give out candy this year. As we all know we have to social distance so we don’t get the ‘rona from some snotty-nosed kid wearing a Scooby Doo costume. And I have seen a lot of different ideas regarding how to handle this particular issue. Well you can the other ideas because mine is the best. Want proof? Watch me break down the other big ones I have seen being bandied about.
Candy from the back of your car.
OK so I guess the point of this one is that you throw the candy out the back of your car at the kids. While I like the throwing part, I am not a fan of having to sit in your car all night. That seems super lame. And I assume that eventually your foot would fall asleep and you would not notice that it is inching toward the gearshift. Suddenly, the car is in neutral and you never put on the emergency brake because you are in your own driveway and then BLAM! Sponge Bob and his mom have been run over by your Hyundai Santa Fe. Sad!
The big tube
This is cooler than the car thing but honestly it’s not a good idea. You are not giving kids candy from a safe distance. You are firing candy out of a gravity-fed candy cannon right into some poor little girl dressed as the Mandalorian’s eye. Forget that!
Reverse Trick or Treat
Really? I am going to go from house to house LEAVING candy? SO MUCH WALKING! Of course this would be better than saying: “I better go get 500 more peanut butter cups just in case there’s a lot of kids” at 5PM on Halloween and then eating them all yourselves while you watch AMC, but who is going to do that? It is one of those things where unless everyone does it then nobody is going to do it.
Simple, put the candy in a bucket, lower it down, then pull it back up and reload. Easy, right? Wrong. It will take forever to pull up so you will just end up dumping all your candy in the bucket and leaving it down there (except for the peanut butter cups). Then some big kids will come and take it all with their big, acne-covered, puberty hands. Good going. You ruined Halloween.
OK so as you can see by my diagram (I mean, schematic), you basically make a creepy baby carriage on wheels. Then you fasten a pole to it. When the kids come, you push it down the sidewalk so they stay far away from you and they get to TAKE CANDY FROM A BABY! Then after they took what you put in there (and nothing more) you pull it back and reload. Elegant. And since you always have ahold of the carriage pole, it is not going to get loose and kill a kid.
Worst thing that could happen is that someone steals the baby and then it is just a carriage. But if that happens then it is one less thing to put away when Halloween is over!