If you were on my couch last night and we watched the American Music Awards together, this is what I would have said to you.  If you don’t care the schmack I would blather, then just click here to see the only performance of the 2008 American Music Awards worth a damn.

  • Wtf is on Alicia Keys’ forehead; it looks like she tried to pull a necklace on without unclasping it.
  • Coldplay still sucks and confetti doesn’t help.
  • Didn’t Garth Brooks retire a decade ago?
  • Cobie  Caillet is aiming for Mimi-lite.
  • Mariah Carey has more #1 songs than Elvis.  Really? I can’t name a single song of hers. I remember a shitty movie named Glitter that tanked but I didn’t see it. That’s as close as I can come to naming something of hers.  Last night, she sang some terribly high pitched song while trying to not bust the seams of her dress.
  • Nick Lachey looks like a bloated douche and I actually forgot he is a “musician” and I LOLed when I remembered he did shit before Jessica and reality TV.
  • Taylor Swift (who the hell is she?) looked like Army Mermaid.  Camo fish scales?  Really?
  • Rhianna wore a tablecloth to accept her award (complete with a napkin tucked in the front and Coldplay confetti in the back) but changed for her performance.  More on this later.
  • The Fray, mumbly and boring.  Bald guy reminds me of the lawyer guy Charlotte married on SATC.
  • Kanye West says he is a “fan of music.”  Derh.  Shutup.
  • The Dream introduced Beyonce performing “Single Ladies.”   The SNL skit with Justin and Paul Rudd was waaay better.
  • “Stay tuned for live performances from The Jonas Brothers and The Pussycat Dolls.”  Do they not want us to come back after commercial?
  • The Jonas Brother are very…uh…shiny.
  • The Pussycat Dolls have a nice Lincoln, love the suicide doors.  I knew the raincoats were coming off, I just didn’t think they would be so awkward about it.
  • Justin presented the Award of Merit to Annie Lennox, who, at 53, looks and sounds amazing.  Shit, she can still belt it out.
  • The opening notes of Natasha Bedingfield’s song sounded like 99 Luftballons.  Turns out, it wasn’t.  The mime-looking acrobat boy dancers were the only thing worth watching.
  • Rhianna traded in the tablecloth for an eye patch and…um…streamers.  I can’t decide if she looks more like Prince or Angelina in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.
  • Daughtry won best Pop/Rock group award.  They did a good job covering Rocketman but that’s about it.  And that designed facial hair jawline shit is disgusting.
  • Kanye West performed wearing LaVar Burton glasses that are about as ugly as his jacket.
  • Sarah MacLachlan has a beautiful voice but chose a tired old song.  Pink showed up but just did that humming thing when she forgot the words.
  • Steven Tyler and Joe Perry looked like two old drunk ladies with botched face lifts.
  • Alcia Keys ditched the forehead necklace–thank dog–for the finale.  She chose Superwoman and brought out Queen Latifah who made her feelings pretty clear about the role superwomen played in raising President-elect Obama.  And then, holy shit, they introduced Kathleen Battle and the lady fucking sang. There wasn’t much in the way of special effects or choreography; it was just three amazing women sharing a song and a stage and doing it absofuckinglutely flawlessly.  I was so blown away by this finale.  It made sitting through hours of shit worthwhile.  I can’t find it anywhere that I can snag it, so click here to see the absolute best part of the show.