According to my Mom’s news source, The Star, Jessica Simpson is single now. Now, a couple of years ago, that would mean about as much to you as Angelina Jolie splitting from Brad Pitt. But now? Now you might have a shot. As far as I can tell, JS is now famous cause one time she was famous. She was in a movie. She was in a TV show, and she dated someone famous.
As far as I can tell, the info above, coupled with her gigantic boobs makes her the new Pam Anderson. And, since Jessica had a hit song once, she probably doesn’t have to get naked to stay on Pam’s level (see how I do these important calculations?). Now, sticking with my analogy, you have a wicked good shot with Pam Anderson now if you can get close to her. In fact, I think the biggest reason more guys don’t ask her out is cause they saw her sex tape and don’t want to be compared to Tommy Lee**.
But unless you play for the Cowboys, you have no idea how big Tono Romo’s unit is, and Jessica literally has nothign else to do. The Dukes of Hazzard was on over the weekend, so she is gonna be getting a check for that in like a week, so she doesn’t need money. She no longer has work things to tie her down (like filming things and recording songs) and she still has the massive jugs that made her a Star in the first place. So seriously – call her.
**Or catch hepatitis
And before anyone says they would NOT call her because “she got fat” why don’t you think about Jess working at your local Home Depot. Not only is that a possibility, but were it true, you would be there every day buying nails and barbeques and…chains just so you could talk to her. So stop being a bigshot and call poor sad rebounding broke down Jessica Simpson. If you don’t, you are just a dick.