Maitland is back for one night only! And this is why I let him back. Read it!
On Thursday night, ESPN will air a one hour special called “LeBron: The Decision”
You’d think this would be something that they would air live, don’t want spoilers sneaking out and what not. Not the case, we’ve obtained an advanced copy.
Screen fades in to show commentator Gus Johnson in front of a stage with six seats. Gus is poised to go crazy. That’s how Gus gets down.
Gus Johnson: Hello Everyone, I’m Gus Johnson! We are here tonight for the most important decision that you will see in the next DECADE. Where will LeBron James choose to play basketball next year? Find out…NEXT…
Video montage time. Various clips of LeBron dunking. Since the press conference benefits Boys and Girls Clubs of American, LeBron invited a bunch of them to take the stage and he dunked on their asses. Then sang a Drake song. This montage takes like 10 minutes.
Gus Johnson: It’s been termed, LEBRONAGEDDON by some, and HAHA, ain’t it? Let’s meet the participants left to decide the future of the King.
First, representing the Cleveland Cavaliers…we hoped to have at least a couple Delonte West personalities, but, instead, we have a Cavalier LEGEND. He currently holds the team record for three point baskets made…MARK PRICE!
Mark Price comes on the stage. He starts shooting three point baskets. He decides not to stop. Gus is not phased and seems like he expected that, so, he continues.
Second, representing the New Jersey Nets. You know him as the man who was told by ESPN, “look, don’t bring any prostitutes…or mail-order brides tonight” the OWNER of the New Jersey Nets…Mikhail Prokhorov! Accompanying Mikhail is a man with getting away from the cops speed…Devin Harris!
Prokhorov takes the stage. Devin Harris starts to run cone drills near Mark Price.
Gus Johnson: Next, representing the Miami Heat…well, first let’s take a moment to say, the Heat, they have to be the favorites to land the King. Keeping Wade, adding Bosh, who would NOT want to go there? I think I could handle a little run in that system. And hell, they might need me. Folks, representing the Heat is headcoach of the Sioux Falls Skyforce, Tony Fritz. Because frankly, once they trade Michael Beasley for Bosh, they will literally have 4 members on their roster and will NEED, players from their D-League affiliate.
And then representing the Chicago Bulls…the man who has relished his role as enforcer for Michael Jordan…we’ve got…CHARLES OAKLEY…and a blackjack dealer! Yes, I’m told a blackjack dealer. As the Bulls believe if they signed LeBron to go with Boozer and Derrick Rose, the team would be unstoppable to the point of where they could sign Oak, the blackjack dealer and run the entire fourth quarter dealing hands! UNCANNY!
Finally, representing the New York Knicks…Spike Lee! Excuse me, Spike could not be here tonight. No, folks, it’s Isiah Thomas!!! Ok, ok, cruel joke, seriously, we’ve got Eddy Curry here. Eddy, why are you here?
Eddy Curry: I have been told to read this index card. It reads, “Eddy, you’re no Luc Longley, but if LeBron can carry you to a title, maybe he’ll pass MJ.”
Gus Johnson: Can’t argue with that!
Mikhail Prokhorov: He can read?
Gus Johnson: MIKHAIL! HERE COMES THE PAIN!
Gus Johnson: And Finally, the Los Angeles Clippers. Who the hell did they send? Mike Dunleavy? No? Chris Kaman? Fine.
Guys, you all have been briefed on the rules. First up, it’s a battle for immunity!
Immunity Challenge: Quest for Fire! The contestants swam to a raft where they had to pass and light their bamboo torch. Once they got to the beach they had to lift up their raft and run to the big statue. On the way, there were torches that needed to be lit. Once all of the torches are lit, teams had to light up a fire bowl. First to light up the bowl wins immunity.
* Reward:Water proof matches. And Immunity.
* Winner: Mikhail Prokhorov.
Gus Johnson: I hate to say it, but, it’s time for one of you to go home. Mikhail, you and the Nets have immunity. LeBron, please come out and present…the roses.
LeBron walks out with four roses. He scans those on the Stage. Chris Kaman, Mark Price, Eddy Curry, Charles Oakley and the D-League Coach.
LeBron instantly hands Oakley a rose. Oakley is unmoved. They go through a 3 minute handshake.
Next up, Mark Price is handed a rose. The hometown team stays in it. Next, a rose is handed to the D-League Coach. Then, finally, to Eddy Curry.
Gus Johnson: OH MY! WE HAVE AN ELIMINATION! THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS WILL NOT BE GETTING LEBRON!
But, we knew that, seriously, LeBron, get to it.
For the next portion, we stepped it up. All four remaining contestants were placed…ON AN ISLAND. But, this is not any ordinary island, HAHA, this is Temptation, Island!
Contestants, say hello to Carmelo Anthony. He is next seasons TOP free agent. Who will be woo’d by Melo? If you are, then you are OUT of the Lebron Sweepstakes.
Montages of dates between the contestants and Carmelo are then shown. Awkwardness ensues between the D-League Coach, Mark Price and Melo. Prokhorov booms laughter. He also looks as if he is displeased by Melo’ presence. An awesome combination. HOWEVER…
Eddy Curry: You see someone you like, you get a feeling about them, you ask them if they want to have a drink or…a slice of pizza…But not dinner necessarily on the first date because by the time you’re halfway through dinner you might be sorry you asked them to dinner whereas if it’s just a drink, if you like them you can always ask them for dinner but if you don’t you can go home if you see what I mean. I wonder if it still works this way.
Gus Johnson: What are you on about?
Eddy Curry: He’s gone. He gave me a pen. I gave him my heart, he gave me a pen.
Gus Johnson: But, you were tempted! stood up leading you to quote Say Anything, but, nonetheless, the Knicks are GONE! Temptation Island has struck! No LeBron, and it sounds like…No Carmelo!
Can we get the Knicks a consolation prize? Bring out the consolation prize…
Yes, back from Barcelona…it’s…Josh Childress!
Gus Johnson: Folks, we are down to four. This time, LeBron is going to come into…yes…THE BOARDROOM!
LeBron: You four are the last four contestants. Tell me why you should not be fired.
Mikhail Prokhorov: I must break you.
LeBron: I like it. Mark?
Mark Price: You lead the Cavaliers in most three points attempted. I lead the Cavaliers in most three pointers made. Math that up.
Charles Oakley: My nigga.
LeBron: DAMN RIGHT! What up!
D-League Coach: Look, LeBron, we’re going to win Titles and kick it on South Beach. Seriously, we’re thinking of doing a whole 2 Live Crew Throwback thing.
LeBron: That sounds tempting, but, let’s be serious. I’ve got zero titles. Wade has one. We would always be known as the Big Three. I want the Big Me.
Gus Johnson: Working Hard at the lame oneliners!
LeBron: Wade would always have one more than the King. We can’t have that. Sorry, Miami, but, you’re fired!
Gus Johnson: We are down to THREE! Let’s take this thing low key. We are taking it to one of LeBron’s favorite restaurants. LeBron is there now.
LeBron is seated at the restaurant. Mark Price arrives. LeBron speaks to Price about how he loves Cleveland. It’s a tough decision. Price understands. LeBron looks around. Cleveland fans in the restaurant. Can he turn his back on them?
Next, comes in Charles Oakley. He sits down. LeBron tells Oak this is a tough choice. Does he want to live in the shadow of Michael Jordan? Oak tells him to man up.
LeBron: Where the hell is Prokhorov? I gotta throw some water over my face. Tough decision.
Outside. Having trouble parallel parking. He comes in the restaurant.
Prokhorov: In Soviet Russia…car park you!
LeBron walks out of the bathroom as Prokhorov walks in.
SMASH CUT TO BLACK. SILENCE!
LeBron in New York makes sense. Cleveland isn’t a big enough town for King James
Love it; I have the same hopes for this. It’s either going to be really really annoying (espn blowing Lebron for 55 minutes and then he says “yep, not leaving”) or he’s going to go to Miami and him/Wade/Bosh are going to ride off in a limo throwing money out.
He should have rode off in the limo with wade and bosh. Hope the coach has fun trying to figure out who gets the ball with 3 seconds left.
Oh yeah, as someone who watches and writes long winded things about soccer, don’t get mad when the NBA turns into the Premier League as far as signing players; if this was in soccer no one would have took a second glance at three huge stars getting paid out to play for one team.
What the hell? Le Bron in Miami? This sucks.
OMG Dwayde!? & Lebron!?…I believed Jay-Z did sufficient to lure him to the brand new jersey nets..guess not
Seriously LeBron, which team is it? Team Edward or Team Jacob? We are dying to know!!!
Lebron James once called the King of Cleavland has now become the black sheep of the family. Cleavland put all of their hopes and dreams on this 25 year old, who simply wants to win a championship. Looking at the Cleavland Caviler’s roster, Lebron didn’t have much many options if he wanted to get back to the finals. The Celtics dropped Cleavland in five games. The Orlando beat the Cavilers last year to go to the finals against the Lakers. Given that there was no improvement in the teams roster, he really stood no chance of getting back to the finals any time soon. So in a word, I give Lebron a pass on his choice to leave the Cavilers for Miami.