Jillian misunderstood when she was asked if she liked being eaten...

So the Biggest Loser is starting and they were smart to do it right after New Year’s when everyone is doing their resolutions and whatnot.  Then I was thinking that while this is a game show, the whole thing about America getting so fat that we cannot fit into our pants as a nation is starting to get to me.  And with all this hoo ha about health care, I think we could probably force some issues that we need to force.  Fuckin’ dude on this show cant put on his own shoes.  Seems like a nice guy.  Can’t put on his own shoes, though.  That’s fat.  Too damn fat.

So last time I wrote about this show I talked about how you should watch it.  But this time I am in a feisty mood, so I am gonna make some suggestions and state some things I have observed, and also possibly save America.  Fat Fat America.

  1. No matter how much they laugh, fat people aren’t happy they are fat.  They may be happy about something else, but not that they are fat.  Not even Santa.  So if you see some fat person laughing and they aren’t being tickled or reading this website, they are probably lying.
  2. The government should use one of their wastoid departments, like Immigration, to go around and weigh everyone in the country.  No exceptions, no tricks.  Just flat out weigh everyone.  and if they happen to catch some illegal aliens, let the skinny ones stay (i’ll tell you why later).
  3. Fat people: there is nothing wrong with your metabolism.  You don’t have a gland problem.  With very few exceptions, there is nothing stopping you from losing weight.  You are scared and tired and depressed.  But you are not physically unable to lose weight.  So knock that shit off now.
  4. Skinny people: fat people don’t care what you have to say.  Unless you used to weigh 100 pounds more than you do now (and no babies were inside you) then shut up.  Just stand over there in the corner (lots of you will fit).  Nothing against you, and nobody is mad that you are skinny, but unless and until you go about your daily life with 200 pounds of sand tied around you, just shut your skinny mouths.  Oh, you can also talk if you are Jughead from Archie.  Hee.  He’s funny.
  5. After the government has weighed everyone, they need to figure out how much each of the fat people weigh and which are on government health care.  Medi-old or Medi-poor (I don’t know which is which with the real names) recipients will have to be weighed once a month.  And I don’t care who is gonna pay for it (you’ll see).
  6. Make all the gyms in America hook generators to their exercise machines.  And probably in the floors, too.  All the movement of those fat people bouncing along can make electricity and then the gyms will make more money.
  7. Health Insurance companies should pay for people to lose weight instead of quitting smoking.  Smoking makes people skinnier.  It also makes them die sooner and not much more expensively than fatness, so smoking is a win in my book.
  8. The gov’t will then send a letter to all the fat people, telling them that if they stay within their target weight (as determined by common sense and magazine covers) they get a tax credit of something something.  I don’t need to do the figures because I’m not the fucking CBO.
  9. The people have to stay in the target range for 3 years (so they can’t cheat).
  10. Anyone with a fat kid gets a tax penalty even if they themselves are skinny.  It’s not the kid’s fault.  It’s yours!
  11. People will get skinny if it will pay them money.  More skinny people will mean that the companies that make shitty food will have to figure out how to make food that is still good but doesn’t taste diety if they want to stay in business.
  12. All the skinnyness will make health care costs lower, which will solve THAT crisis.
  13. The skinny people that I left in the corner will all have awesome jobs and have their pick of the new skinny people.  That’s their reward.  They could do their regular shit during all this cause they weren’t fat asses to start with.  It’s their head start!

Anyone who wants to add/subtract/dispute/support any part of my plan do so in the comments.  Unless your fingers are too fat to type anything succinct.  If they are, just say: skdjaghldldldlda and I will know you care!