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Let's Just Get this War Over With

Let's Just Get this War Over With

In case you don’t watch the news or anything, some terrorists killed a crap ton of people in France last night.  The longer I watch the coverage the higher the death toll gets and the more everyone keeps talking about how organized and sophisticated the attacks were.  And I am really scared that this is going to become another one of those things that becomes politicized and nothing else happens.  Because while everyone is making fun of what Trump said about the Isis oil fields the other night:


I agree with him.  And I don’t just mean the oil fields.  I mean bomb everything, indiscriminately.  That is probably the only thing I agree with him on, but I am sick of worrying about the “delicacy” of the Middle East.  We talk about our “special relationship” with Britain but without France we wouldn’t even be a country.  And they just got massacred in their capitol.  Just a bunch of people chilling and some terrorist jackasses kill them.

I am far from the only person who is sick of it, but I am also really tired of listening to the excuses and blame, particularly in the U.S.  So I am thinking that since nothing else has worked, it is time for some sweet sweet jingoism.  Here is my 13 point plan.  (full disclosure, I just wrote points until I was done then came back and filled in the number).  Oh, and if you want to know my organizing principle, it is this:

Everyone talks about the WAR on terror but for a variety of factors we treat it like a crime.  So we are either sending soldiers over to do cop stuff they aren’t trained for or we are trying to make them do soldier stuff while they have to worry if they are shooting at the right people.  Impossible.  So now we will fix it.  This is how we get rid of Isis and the Caliphate they are building.

  1. We are not fighting Islam. Let me get that right out there, now. I don’t want to hear any dumb racists agreeing with me so I will get this out of the way first.  This is a political fight.  It is basically real countries (and Israel, which is a weird hybrid) against fake countries . And I don’t care who lives in those fake countries, they are gonna have a bad time.  And the people that live in the real countries are, too.  But this is not about Islam.  It is about choices.  And I don’t want to hear about how Islam is a religion of peace.  I don’t care. It is a religion, which means it is stupid and I am not making it a factor.
  2. All Western countries do whatever France says for a year.  It’s only fair.  They did it for us after 9/11.  The fact that we only asked people to do dumb crap is not their fault.  France has been around forever and while they have made some dick moves in the past (like killing a Pope so they could put in a new Pope who would kill all the Templars) they deserve our support.
  3. This will cost a TON of money so the government will have to seize 90% of the profit of all corporations for the last five years.  Since they are people but they can’t fight, they need  to sacrifice.  We also have to get rid of the carried interest deduction and put all that money, and the estate tax, into the war fund.
  4. Cops need to be in charge of catching terrorists inside the U.S.  And they better do it, too!
  5. Operation Hadrian will consist of us sending a ton of planes and boats over to the Middle East and telling anyone who wants out to get on board.  But there is a price.  If they come to America, they will have to work on building the giant border prison between Mexico and the US.  And I suppose that if Europe or Russia want to give folks a better offer, they totally can.  It’s a refugee’s market!  And when we are done, the only people left in all the fake countries will be bad guys or good guys who didn’t want to leave.  If they are good but didn’t want to come to the West, they still have to go to a real country.  Oh, and which are the fake versus real countries?
    middle_east_95Egypt, Syria, Turkey and Iran are real.  The rest are pretty made up.  Oh, and the Stan countries can count as real because why not?  I am sure Russia will not like it but they never like anything.  And the Stans will include Kurdistan because they have been chill with us all along and seem to have their act together.  In fact, rather than repeat the mistakes of the past (which is where the fake countries came from in the first place) we should just let the Kurds make their own borders after we are…done. All the other “countries” were totally manufactured by the British and they are gonna get chopped up anyway so whatever.
  6. So after we get the good guys out all we will have left are the Caliphate, lazy people and the Palestinians.  They are in a made up country but they don’t get to go anywhere but back to Egypt (Gaza people) and Jordan (West Bank people) except they don’t have to move.  Jordan and Egypt just get that territory back (sorry, Israel, just wait ima let you get some good stuff).
  7. So now we have to get the U.S. army set up.  Operation   First, draft.  Everyone who turns 18 goes into one of the four armed services or has to help building the prison.  Period.  Second, second amendment fools.  Regardless of age or health, anyone who owns more than one gun gets sent to fight the Caliphate.  And they have to bring their own guns.  Uncle Sam will provide the bullets.  And they get to bring their guns home with them if they live.  Third: illegal aliens.  Every illegal goes to fight the Caliphate or work on the prison and if they live they are a citizen.  Done.
  8. Legalize pot.  We need to make Mexico less…druggy.  And they are going to have a hard time getting drugs through the prison construction site so there is no sense making them trying to carry pot around.  Plus the real drug lords come into play later.
  9. Now we start bombing.  For six months.  With B-52’s.  We bomb everything in Syria and ALL the fake countries.  No smart bombs.  Just dumb ones.  They are cheaper and scarier.  We don’t need to be wasting money on smart bombs because that is cop work.  We need to do army work.  And before you start complaining about innocent civilians, allow me to remind you that we are spoiled, entitled douches even in war.  We want to kill just the bad guys.  Well we can’t.  The gallery at the end of the post will explain this further.
  10. After we have bombed everyone we will send in our army to get all the oil.  We will then give every dummy who didn’t leave the first time and who is still alive the same choices as in point 5.
  11. Since Afghanistan is on the other side of Iran and they are all pedos (seriously they don’t see women as sex objects they only see them as baby machines who can cook so they all have little boy sex slaves) so we need to stop pretending they can be a country and we need to send the Mexican drug cartels over there to take control of the poppy fields.  Then they can make all the heroin they want and they can have a beheading contest with the Taliban.  New Mexistan will become the safe haven for druggies and we can concentrate on everything to the left of Iran.
  12. OK so now we have conquered Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, Jordan, Kuwait, Qatar, Yemen, the UAE, Oman and the Sinai Peninsula (sorry, Egypt, but we need it).  And we will do the following.  A:  Israel gets Lebanon and the Sinai Peninsula and loses the West Bank and Gaza.  The Kurds get a population density equal to, I dunno, Turkey, and they can take whatever land they want that already connects to where they are.  Syria stays Syria but is occupied for the next 25 years by the UN or whatever.  The rest of the whole place (except for point 13) is made into a place called Arabia or Persia or Byzantium or something and everyone who wants to live there can just go.  I am sure there will be some issues with this piece but since it will probably be a few years until it happens we can just put a pin in it.
  13. The world has shown that it is incapable of making Jerusalem peaceful, so the entire city and the ten miles around it in all directions will become a global version of a national park.  Disney will run it (for free) and it will also be the base for the “nobody cares about your stupid religion” military force made up of all the atheists from every army in the world.  They will be efficient and super annoying in conversations.  Hopefully a lot of them will also be vegan.  Nobody would ever want to fight them because they are so obnoxious.

 So, at the end of this, Isis will be dead as will a bunch of other people.  And sure there might be long lingering hatred of the West for interfering but to be fair, I don’t care.  Israel will be safe.  Iran won’t dare to do anything because the atheists will be so close to them and we can do some good old fashioned nation building in…Ur or whatever we call the new country.  And we will have solved the immigration problem and built a giant prison across our southern border.  The cops will have spent all their time catching the terrorists in their own countries so none of us will have anything to worry about.

“But wait!” say my fellow liberals.  “You cannot kill all those innocent people and interfere in people’s culture!”  blah blah.  Yes.  Yes we can.  Because wars are wars and people get killed in them.  I am not saying that we don’t accept immigrants and refugees.  I am not saying we destroy ancient landmarks.  I am not even saying that we interfere with the practice of religion.

What I AM saying is that there needs to be a baseline of human rights in the world and “faith” cannot conflict with them.   So for every woman who is finally allowed to drive a car as a result of this, another woman will be allowed to get an abortion in Mississippi.  Because ALL countries will be required to comply.  Otherwise the atheist vegans will come attack you.

And as a final impassioned plea to make sure that everyone who is saying that war is not the answer will stfu, I bring you the last good war.  World War Two.  Stop Hitler, etc.  Now nobody is going to doubt that we won that war.  Because everyone knew what was at stake if we didn’t.  Politically, I am now feeling the same way.  The gallery below is what Berlin looked like after World War 2.  And after that is a pretty amazing video about the actual human toll of that war, and if you watch it long enough you might have a better handle on why Russia is so mad all the time.  I await the thoughtful discourse this plan is intended to generate.  We are in a war.  We might as well win it.

The Fallen of World War II from Neil Halloran on Vimeo.

About The Author

Acadia Einstein

I'm the funny one. And the handsome one. And I pay for everything.


  1. Dan Brill

    Once I cut through the nonsense parts, I agree with you that at its base, Liberalism has to stand for something, and Liberty better be part of that. So we can’t just be accepting of everyone if everyone includes people that hate women and cut off your head for being a different religion and mutilates little girls, etc. This is a conflict of values, and there are some values that are better than others.

    • Acadia Einstein

      What nonsense parts? You are just lucky I didn’t name the new country: Texas Junior!

    • Cider

      As usual Dan is the voice of sanity. I just don’t know how we make sure the right values are enforced. It seems obvious to me what is right and wrong but how do you tell someone else what their values should be? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for wiping out half the world’s population in one fell swoop if needed, humans are terrible and probably at least 50% of us are literally THE WORST. But nobody is qualified to make that distinction. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and all that.

  2. Cramsey

    I feel like I agree with you on this (and also Dan about the nonsense parts). Things are sooooooooooooo screwed up. I hate being in a position where I feel like the world’s concern about avoiding innocent casualties has allowed this group to hide in the civilian population and suddenly burst out like a stripper in a cake but with a suicide vest. Ugh.

    • Acadia Einstein

      You better not be calling New Mexistan nonsense.

  3. DJ Lady Liberties

    So wait, since we have slaughtered over a million so far in Iraq and Afghanistan, (mainly civilians, but we get to call that patriotism, not terrorism) does that mean that during the re-grouping and siege, that Canada gets the U.S. or does Mexico?

    I mean, we’re a toddler-aged country that has caused the most destruction. We’ve bombed, invaded, allowed millions to starve and be homeless while eating Hot-Pockets, formed bases in all countries and have bullied anyone that tried to keep their own lunch money, so maybe absorbing the U.S. would be the ultimate answer.

    All Americans can go back to their original homeland and the cool kids clique will resort back to the Crazy Horse Mafia. GMO-free fo’ life, yo. Awww yeah. Put the needle on the record. All the records…

    • Cramsey

      Yes! I want to go back to Ireland! Let’s do it.

    • Cider

      I am cool with going back to Italy. Sign me up.

  4. Roger Sherman

    The character Quinn had the single best “answer” for taking care of the Middle East problem that I’ve ever heard. We have to do one of two things:

    1. Bring in 250,000 troops, and lock the area down (this was specifically bout Syria, but we can broaden that scope). Then bring in 250,000 doctors and teachers. Then wait 20 years.

    Failing that, option two:

    2. Hit the reset button. Turn the entire region into glass.

    I prefer the first, but you have to factor in one big issue:

    Lots of American (and British, and French, and other white countries) have companies – big, influential companies – that make a shitload of ROI on wars. That’s a big, big problem – they literally spend billions lobbying, to get our gov’t to kill people. Because that’s how we make money.

    They don’t want the Middle East to be peaceful.

    They don’t want the Middle East burned down, or turned to glass.

    They want things to continue just as they are, because they make bank off of it.

  5. Roger Sherman

    Fuck. That was supposed to say “The character Quinn, from the show Homeland”.

    Eff y’all.

  6. The Professional Duck

    I’m going to be perfectly honest here, I think, like, 85% of this it totally genius. It’s ridiculous the amount of hoops (from the media and civilians at home) and bullshit bureaucratic red tape (from the government) the army has jump and hack its way through just to get shit done.

    But there is still that other 15%. Now, a lot of that left over 15% could just consist of things you put in for satire value. I can’t know for sure, however, there were some bits I feel you were serious about that just wouldn’t work that way.

    The first example would be the 3rd point in your big plan: having the government seize 90% of all corporate profits that have been made in the last 5 years. You know that’s a lot of money, right? Probably enough to put a huge dent in, if not completely annihilate the national debt. And you want to take that from all these companies AT ONCE? Have you thought of the economic repercussions? What have we observed happens every time a big company has a financial crisis? They lose money? Undoubtedly. The top-of-the-food-chain big cheeses get paid a little less? Yes, sometimes, depending on the severity of the financial trouble. But what’s the real issue that will affect both conservatives and liberals equally? Those companies will do anything, and I mean just about anything, to stay afloat. Namely, take a massive dump on their employees. Wage cuts if you’re lucky, but for most, it’ll be, “We thank you for the hard work and dedication you’ve provided our company. Now here’s your stuff, and there’s the door.” Companies will always cut off their arms or legs to ensure their own survival. People will be fired by the thousands. We’ll see a depression the likes of which neither America, nor any other nation in the whole world, has ever seen. But you never know, someone’s gotta make those B-52’s and the bombs that’ll go in them. That might cushion the blow a bit.

    Second, how you plan to send troops. Ok, I see how it is, send all the second amendment gun-nuts, right? alright, I’ll agree to that, but if we’re sending them, I’m sending all the welfare leeches (unemployed people who only use welfare because they don’t want to get a job, not because they can’t get one) with them. That’ll start redirecting a good portion of money back to the government because they won’t have to pay for that crap anymore. On a separate note, what about training? Chain of command? What about receiving orders? Transportation? Combat vehicles? And I can’t agree with the “regardless of age or health part”. For anyone who’s old or sick, this is quite literally a death sentence. So, let’s go with anyone in good health (not necessarily in good shape, that’s their own fault) within the regular age perimeters the military allows. Then maybe actually take the time to setup special units for this. Like a new branch of the military we just call the “Militia” or something. In this new Militia branch we stick the gun-nuts (or at least the ones who didn’t already volunteered for the army or marines the minute they heard America was actually going to war, like, REAL war), welfare leeches (or at least the ones who couldn’t find an important enough job before they could be drafted), and illegal immigrants (or at least the ones who didn’t hurriedly jump the border back to Mexico). Problem solved.

    I would like to address at least one of your points I think is a good idea though. That being your stance on casualties. It is unfortunate we have to observe it from this perspective, but I must wholeheartedly agree with your approach on casualties. Anyone who didn’t get out with the rest because they were lazy, didn’t want to get a background check, or didn’t want to be screened for weapons and explosives, frankly gets no fucks from us. We will not nitpick around everything. Like you said, fuck smart bombs, carpet bombing is the way to go. Wide area damage, effective, and demoralizing for enemy troops. If there are important ancient landmarks nearby, use artillery or air strikes. That shit’s gotten a lot more accurate than it was in WWI or WWII. Artillery will have a similar demoralization effect to carpet bombing, and… well, have you ever seen a clip of an A10 Warthog making strafing runs? That thing shoots rounds the size of your forearm at 3,900 rpm (rounds per minute), or about 70 rounds in the frame of one second. Yeah, just try to run from that fucker. Good luck. Of course, it can also use a variation of different missiles and bombs as well for extra overkill.

    I could go on for a long time about the rest of this stuff, but at that point this response might be the same length as your original thread, so I’ll hold off on that.

    • Cider

      Oh great, now somebody is encouraging Acadia.


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