Elmo says wow Katy! Jeffrey Dahmer says 27 oz

The world is safely insane. Someone has calculated the weight of various breast sizes: A cup = 8oz, B cup = 12 oz, C cup = 21 oz, D cup = 27 oz. This is either menu planning for a Jeffrey Dahmer type or Anorexic body weight calculation at the extreme end. We have a thing about breasts in Western Culture. Some woman out there reading this is wondering if it’s acceptable that her breasts weigh less than the Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte she had this morning and we all know that men stopped listening when breasts were mentioned and started clicking on the links. Because of the breast taboo it’s rare that either gender has ever seen more than ten sets of (NSFW UNLESS YOU ARE A DOCTOR) normalized breasts while we’ve all seen a plethora of sexualized breasts. It’s no wonder that women are getting squeezed by push-ups, plumped by padding, augmented by silicone implants and worst of all airbrushed.

I think a lot of this starts in grade school, that first girl that goes BLT (Big Luscious Tits) and is the focus of everyone’s attention. She’s getting her bra straps snapped by hormone ridden boys and all the other girls are going, “shit where are mine?” The result is getting locked into the word BOOBS (A word I particularly hate) She’s constantly worried that she’s looking like a slut, or when she’s supposed to be looking like a slut that there’s going to be a nipple slip, and it’s impossible to talk to a straight guy without wondering what he’s thinking about the girls. It’s very hard for a guy not to turn twelve and zero in when confronted by a woman he considers attractive. Somehow we never got the message an old woman told me once, “They’re just tits get over it!”

If you ever made the flat as a board and easy to nail joke you deserve not to get laid tonight.

This is not to say that I’m not a big admirer of the weapons of mass feminine distraction. I’ve dated women with a complete gamut of breast sizes from A to 34 DD and never once managed not to have a lot of fun. I’m endlessly curious about how women see themselves. The conversation about being too big/small or, god forbid, saggy usually astounds me. In fact the only women I’ve ever met that are satisfied with their chest are the ones that are breast feeding.  Big, small, saggy, it’s all: “Wow these things work so great!” (The hoped for exception to this general rule is during kisses in interesting places)

Am I too big, small, saggy or lopsided? You'll never know because this is a headshot

I can get excited about the engineering too. Did you know the guy who invented the Bikini was an engineer? I’m still amazed at the physics of the strapless bra. Yes I have seen geek engineers calculate the dynamic forces in a strapless bra. Hinda Miller and Lisa Lindahl sewed two jock straps together for the first sports bra. Think about that the next time you go jogging ladies. The switch from corsets to bustenhalters saved enough metal for two battleships in World War I. Now that’s heavy metal !

I’ll never forget my first trip to an upscale lingerie shop either. You know the kind with those private dressing rooms with a comfortable chair for the gentleman to sit in while the way too expensive dainty bits are tried on. The lady in question who wasn’t at all an exhibitionist stood there in the buff while the lingerie specialist and I discussed her body. She was one of those BLT girls and had gotten stuck in the idea that she had Boobs. It was the first time she’d had an actual fitting for her breasts. She’d been wearing the wrong size bra for years not willing to admit she was a D cup. Not only was the dainty bit of lace we bought the sexiest bra she’d ever had it was also the most comfortable. I considered the wallet crushing bit of erotic lace in the fancy bag without a sales slip (Somehow this old school touch was overlooked by the feminist) an investment in health and well being. Ok it turned me into a lust crazed lunatic too but hey these things are great ladies.

Have a lover help you check. It’s more fun and not as scary.