I can’t wax philosophic this week. I loved this episode because not only did Coley do really well, she also managed to do something really funny and dumb which really is how I expect her to roll. I think when she finally wins the theme song to her show should be the Benny Hill music. Honestly she rules. She killed it while doing a live thing from an ice cream shop and she was really good in her appearance on Rachel Ray right up until she poisoned the kid.
Not that I cared. Kid was asking for it if you ask me. All smug. And honestly what kind of problem is “I don’t know how to cook anything except for meat and potatoes”. Hey, Emma, SEE HOW RIGHT I WAS? And anyway, what does Coley know about feeding kids? Her thing is coastal cuisine. You know how fish have babies? Well, me either but it is probably not very nurturing. So now that she is safe and in the final four, let’s move onto the bullet points. But before I do, here is proof that Nicole is getting famous. It also shows you how many tabs I have to open to do these dumb recaps.
So yeah. Please send me some pics of “you being hot”, “you as a model”, “you in a bikini”, “your feet”, “your legs” and “your husband”. I need search engine hits and obviously this is what the people want. The terrible, disgusting people. But hey at least people aren’t looking for ways to shoot you into the sun!
Oh, and one MORE thing before the bullet points. Loreal got voted out. Not gonna lie, wasn’t a fan. Don’t like when people call themselves babes. But I did have this weird exchange with her on twitter that made me like her.
i dont even own a tv. i havent for years #foodnetworkstar im at home doing dishes with the windows open. listening to the locust sing
— loreal gavin (@lorealgavin) July 28, 2014
That was weird because she wanted to be on a TV show, so I INNOCENTLY ASKED!
— loreal gavin (@lorealgavin) July 28, 2014
Then I was honest when I replied:
@lorealgavin I only use Craigslist for free coffee tables and trying to attract murderers to my house.
— Acadia Einstein (@Acadia) July 28, 2014
But what I really wanted to say was: “Ain’t no “TV SHOWS YOU CAN BE ON” section of Craiglist, fool. Maybe if you watched a little more TV you would have known that making a food that requires one thing to be wrapped around another thing when one of the things is not a tortilla is NOT SIMPLE. Frigging thing looked like that game Mouse Trap. Those people were “on the go”. Ugh, I hate people who say that. Now I have nobody to be happy for in that entire segment!
So anyway, it’s down to Coley, Belt Buckle, Super Mario and Big Face. Here is what will more than likely happen.
- If Texas Face says Texas one more time somebody from the set is going to tell her to STFU. People from Texas are like people from NYC. They think that is the most important thing about them so they lead with it. “Well I’m from Texas so blah blah.” “I’m from New York City so yakkety yak.” Nobody cares. Shut up. You won’t make it to the final three because you had the genius idea to decide to make your gimmick Texas when one of your competitors is a Big Fat Cowboy. Smart thinking. You should have played up the kids thing. People with kids LOVE kids. You wouldn’t have poisoned that poor baby like Coley did.
- Lenny, you will make it to the final but your gimmick has no legs. Remember, it is like wrestling. You are the Big Fat Cowboy. You can’t switch next year and become the Big Fat Fisherman. How many different ways can you cook cactus and steak? The only things I can see you doing are saying you are the Marlboro Man after he quit smoking OR change your name to Chuck Waggin. Otherwise you can’t win.
- Luca, there are 47 Italian chefs on Food Network and none of them sound like the guy that owns the pizza place on The Simpsons. Give it up.
So next week they make their pilots. I am not making any predictions because I don’t want to jinx anything. But I will say that Nicole really is peaking at the right time. She is more comfortable and her ridiculous mishaps seem to be shrinking (or at least her victims are). So maybe she should make her weakness into her strength and call her show Coastal Carnage! She can breeze through the intro and the demo, but just before she gives it to people she can:
- Sprinkle in some sand for authentic coastal tooth-cracking grit!
- Heat up the plate with an open flame and not tell the person she hands it to.
- Point and people holding babies and say: you keep that baby quiet or that baby gonna get HOT!
- Hire someone in a wrestling mask (omg me) to sit in the audience and laugh really loudly like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear.
- Have five different color squirt bottles on the counter and have the audience vote for the color they want her to put on it. Hint: The yellow one is NOT mustard.
Not that I think she will use any of my ideas. She will probably just be all charming and self deprecating but she can’t be TOO self deprecating or else the Benny Hill music will start playing and the pot rack on the set will come loose and they will all fall off and bong her on the head one at a time.
You better win, Coley. Otherwise these posts are gonna look really dumb in retrospect.