Number 19 on 31 Scariest Movies of All Time brings us one of the most popular horror characters of all time.  Unfortunately, like many characters, he got humped dry and now can’t be taken seriously.  But the more I think about it, maybe he couldn’t be taken seriously ever.  Maybe they played it too cutesy.  Too many one liners.

You could totally see Freddy Kreuger saying: “I like you Sully.  That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”  You have to hand it to the 80’s.  The cool thing to say just before killing someone was invented back then.   And it made Nightmare on Elm Street a joke.  I love science, but I can’t see how this movie scared anyone.

Trailer after the jump. And as a bonus, proof that this movie was never scary.  The Fresh Prince made a song about Freddy.  On his first album.  A million years ago.  So if Will Smith thought it was funny 25 years ago when it first came out, then what chance does it have now?  Screw science.  I need someone to defend this one.

Now I have a story that I’d like to tell
About this guy you all know he had me scared as hell
He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
He’s burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred
He wears the same hat and sweater every single day
And even if it’s hot outside he wears it anyway
He’s home when I’m awake but he shows up when I sleep
I can’t believe that there’s a nightmare on my street
It was a Saturday evening if I remember it right
And we had just gotten back off tour last night
So the gang and I thought that it would be groovy
If we summoned up the posse and done rushed the movie
I got Angie Jeff got Tina
Ready Rock got some girl I’d never seen in my life
That was all right because the lady was chill
Then we dipped to the theater set to I’ll buggin cold havin a ball
Somethin about Elm st. was the movie we saw
The way it started was decent you know nuthin real fancy
About this homeboy named fred and this girl named nancy
But word when it was over I said yo that was def
And everything seemed all right when we left
But when I got home and laid down to sleep
That began the nightmare, but on my street
It was burning in my room like an oven
My bed soaked with sweat And man I was bugging
I checked the clock and it stopped at 12:30
It had melted it was so darn hot And I was thirsty
I wanted something cool to quench my thirst
I thought to myself yo this heat is the worst
But when I got downstairs I noticed something was wrong
I was home all alone but the tv was on
I thought nothin off it as I grabbed the remote
I pushed the power button and then I almost choked
When I heard this awful voice coming from behind It said,”You turned off David Letterman…now you must die!!”
Man, I ain’t even wait to see who it was Broke inside my drawers and screamed, “So long, cuz”
Got halfway up the block I calmed down and stopped screaming Then thought, “Oh, I get it, I must be dreaming”
I strolled back home with a grin on my grill I think that since this is a dream I might as well get ill
I walked in the house, the Big Bad Fresh Prince
But Freddy killed all that noise real quick
He grabbed me by my neck and said “Here’s what we’ll do We gotta lotta work here, me and you The souls of your friends you and I will claim You’ve got the body and I’ve got the brain”
I said, “Yo Fred I think you got me all wrong I ain’t partners with nobody with nails that long
Look, I’ll be honest man, this team won’t work The girls won’t be on you, Fred, your face is all burnt”
Fred got mad and his head started steaming
But I thought what the hell im only dreamin
I said please leave Fred so I can get some sleep
But give me a call maybe we’ll hang out next week
I patted him on the shoulder, said “thanks for stopping by”
Then I opened up the door and said “take care guy”
He got mad, drew back his arm, and slashed my shirt
I laughed at first, then thought, “hold up, that hurt” It wasn’t a dream, man, this guy was for real
I said, “Freddy, uh, pal, there’s been an awful mistake here”
No further words and then I darted upstairs
Crashed through my door then jumped on my bed
Pulled the covers up over my head And said, “Oh please do something with Fred”
He jumped on my bed, went through the covers with his claws
Tried to get me, but my alarm went off And then silence
It was a whole new day I thought, “Huh, I wasn’t scared of him anyway”
Until I noticed those rips in my sheets
And that was proof that there had been a nightmare on my street
FP: Oh man, I gotta call Jeff, I gotta call Jeff Come on, come on Come on Jeff, answer Come on, man
JJ: Hello?
FP: Jeff, this is Prince, man Jeff, wake up, Jeff, wake up
JJ: What do you want?
FP: Jeff, wake up, man, listen to me, Jeff
JJ: It’s three o’clock in the morning, what do you want?
FP: Jeff, Jeff, would you listen to me? Listen, whatever you do, don’t fall asleep
JJ: Man
FP: Jeff, listen to me, don’t go to sleep, Jeff
JJ: look, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I’m gong to bed Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! (Ha ha ha ha ha haaaa)
FP: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Answer me, Jeff! I’m your D.J. now, Princey! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa