Good old Bayer.  You have to hand it to the efficient Germans.  Bottle up some delicious heroin, plop it on the shelf right next to the leeches and the ear gougers (ear gougers were a real thing, look it up) and rake in the profits.  I wonder what tipped people off that it was a bad idea.  Perhaps the fact that some guy bought one bottle and then promptly came back and bought ALL the other bottles?   Did they even have prescriptions back then?  Like, how did medicine even work?  Could I have  just opened up a store and said I was an “apothecary’?

It’s not like any of the shit the real ones sold worked anyway.  Any fool can grind up some sugar powder and pine cones and say it cures “sailor’s toe” or “lung gumption” or whatever the hell they called diseases back then.  Why do you think the people who invented actual medicine are so famous?  Cause they invented ACTUAL medicine.  Everyone else was just busy grinding things up in a dish with that pharmacy boner stick and calling it a tonic.

Heroin tonic.  Good for people afflicted with “Gideon’s Blueberry” since 1887.