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Resolution Madness

new Year

My New Year’s Resolution is: Not to be disappointed when the GIANT SQUID INVADING TOKOYO HARBOR turns out to be only sixty feet long and half the population is thinking sushi instead of rushing about in terror when Godzilla shows up to defend his turf.

I used to be serious about resolutions; Lose ten pounds. Run every other day. Stop dating crazy women. Now I’m at the level of: Donuts are actually good for you or something I can easily keep like don’t have crazy mad cocaine parties in a New York penthouse with that Victoria’s Secret model. (If she’s available for a get together in a Motel 6 I’m covered)

What I need is someone to write my resolutions for me. Kind of like how Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have PR people desperately trying to make them look human. My dream would be that it would be a comedian like Bob Odenkirk that could convince them that whatever crazy thing he came up with was HIP HAPPENING AND NOW.

Just did heroin for the first time ever – first New Year’s resolution down the tubes. Took all of two dang days, cripes! – Bob Odenkirk

It’s hard to be funny with these things. Catholics Online came up with Resolutions for Biblical Characters. Father Murphy thinks that Adam being done eating fruit next year is a knee slapper but then again he drinks a lot.

  • Spend more time watching TV / movies.
  • Chat more over phone / Internet.
  • Read less.
  • I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Procrastinate more.
  • Drink. Drink some more.
  • Start being superstitious.
  • Spend more less time at work.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  • Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!

Oh hell just write down what you did yesterday and put STOP in front of it!

dog

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4 Comments

  1. SpocKirk

    “Why does this gym have a liquor license?”
    “You’ll see…”

    Reply
  2. Penny

    Or just decide you are happy with yourself and forgive all your imperfections.
    That’s a resolution I have never succeeded in keeping.

    Reply
  3. Bigscrod wants cake

    I will get back to the gym, even if only to use their awesome sauna. More smoked and grilled meat will happen. I also will get a rack for my bicycle, because it is only 3 miles to the liquor store. Squad goals. I has them.

    Reply
  4. Cider

    I don’t make resolutions. But I’ll make some for you if you want.

    Reply

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