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S & M, Stegosauruses and Spongebob: the Hottest New Cinema Releases

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It’s going to be a rollercoaster year. Sequels and franchises seem to be a hot topic for 2015, with the Jurassic Park franchise returning for the first time since 2001, while the long awaited Fifty Shades of Grey series will be delighting horny mommies everywhere. Here’s a look at what’s in store for the next few months.

Spongebob Squarepants 2

Ten years since the release of the first Spongebob Squarepants movie, our favorite innuendo-laden characters are back with Spongebob Squarepants 2, which hits big screens next year. Main cast members Tom Kenny et al will reprise their roles as the lovable Spongebob, Mr Krabs and Sandy Cheeks, while Hollywood hunk turned voice actor Antonio Banderas is also set to grace Bikini Bottom. If Zorro’s previous experience as Puss in Boots is anything to go by, the latest sequel should be a treat.

Wildcard

Cockney wideboy turned martial artist Jason Statham returns to our screens at the end of 2014 with Wildcard: a dramatic tale of an ex gambling addict’s new found role as a bodyguard to his friends. True enough, Statham’s attempts at an American accent are as cringeworthy as Dick Van Dyke’s chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, but this new flick, co-starring screen siren Sofía Vergara, has all the ingredients for a Hollywood blockbuster. Casino liaisons, ripped torsos and good old fashioned ass kicking – this one is well worth a watch and will hit our screens in November.

Jurassic World

It’s back! Mosquitoes in amber! Michael Crichton’s fantastic screenplay! A man getting annihilated while on the crapper! Well, we’re not so sure about the last one, but if Jurassic World wants to be as successful as the 1993 original, it’s got a lot to beat. After two sequels, critics could be forgiven for thinking Crichton is flogging a dead diplodocus, but let’s face facts: a seemingly innocent theme park turned into a bloodbath is always a winning formula, so we should probably embrace the 2015 special effects and let it rip.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Four years after kinky housewife E.L. James proved to us just what can be done with a humble pair of cable ties, 50 Shades of Grey is finally hitting our screens, right in time for Valentine’s Day, 2015. In case you’ve been hidden under a rock for the past three years, 50 Shades tells the story of impressionable and virginal Anastasia Steele and her hot under the collar relationship with sexually depraved billionaire Christian Grey. With a couple of dubious cast choices, this novel adaptation could be just as cringey as it is kinky, but that’s not going to stop randy single moms everywhere hitting the movie theatres.

About The Author

Acadia Einstein

I'm the funny one. And the handsome one. And I pay for everything.

2 Comments

  1. Cider

    I object to 50 Shades of Grey on every level and will never read it, just as I will never read a Twilight book or watch Pulp Fiction. None of this will make sense to anybody who reads this, they are just facts that are part of my enigma.

    Reply

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