‘Snot Snakes’ Create Goopy Traffic Mess in Oregon

Christy

In very real news, as in, “This is a real thing that happened that I totally didn’t make up”, a truckload of Hagfish, colloquially known as ‘slime eels’, overturned near milepost 131 on U.S. 101, on the Oregon Coast due west of Salem, OR.


Hagfish mess

The obvious joke is just too easy. (Photo Credit: Oregon State Police)


Hagfish are the “vultures” of the sea. They hang around, waiting for other sea creatures to die, then burrow into the carcass to eat it from the inside out, thus cleaning up all the oceanic “roadkill”. The problem, as you can see in the photo above, is that when captured, their main defense mechanism is to secrete a microfibrous slime.

“I’m sexy and I know it!” (Photo Credit: Steven Senne/Associated Press)


The virtually blind and eel-like creature, which measures about 30 inches, and which features small tentacles around its jawless mouth and pincher-like teeth on its tongue, is the world’s oldest vertebrate. They have anywhere from 90 to 200 “slime pores” running laterally along the full length of each side of their body. So when threatened or stressed, their strategy is to “shoot a load” of slime at whatever predator is nearby in order to SUFFOCATE IT. The slime is so viscous and effective that a Hagfish left in its own slime will literally suffocate and die.


Nope. No jokes here. (Photo Credit: Oregon State Police)


The snot snakes were being shipped to Korea for consumption, according to police. Hagfish are prized as a delicacy in South Korea, and even considered an aphrodisiac, like most creepy, crawly, wiggly things that make their way to Asia. They’re pretty valuable little…um, “guys”, and there’s a fairly robust industry of capturing them off the Oregon coast (since 1988) and shipping them to Korea.


“Hagfish with Cop”. A still life. (Photo Credit: Oregon State Police via Twitter)


As of Thursday 7/13, Oregon State Police had not yet said when they expect the road to be clear. (And you thought YOU had some epic “emissions”.)


“I’m sorry, officer. I was not prepared for “Essence” magazine’s cover photo of Idris Elba.” (Photo Credit: Oregon State Police)



Author:
Christy Stevens used to be known as Christy Ramsey but due to centuries-old romanticized marriage traditions, she no longer goes by that name, no matter what Acadia wants to think. She’s been on the internet since before there was internet but is mostly movie and TV illiterate. She can fake her way through most pop culture references based partially on internet research and her ridiculously strong context clues skills. She’s a native Floridian (a rarity indeed) and fully owns that her home state is full of crazies and creatures that would eat you as soon as look at you. She used to be a writer, moderator and member of a comedy website but it shut down on April Fool’s Day a few years ago and apparently the joke isn’t over yet. She lives with her husband, Jay, her 9 year old son, 2 dogs, 3 cats and 1 horse. Most times, when she’s not actively coming up with excuses to not write for Acadia, she can be found gardening, riding her horse and other one-percenting things.

2 Comments

  1. Acadia Einstein
    July 14, 2017 at 11:26 am

    Sludge noodles!

  2. Cider
    CiderReply
    July 14, 2017 at 3:04 pm

    The Idris Elba reference wins the internet.

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