peeI don’t know how scientifically savvy you are, but if you are still peeing in toilets or behind cars in alleys you might as well be a caveman and spend all your days burning Styrofoam and spraying Lysol into the air.  Planet killer.

See, according to some scientists in Vermont (America’s hotbed of science) you can make all of your crops grow better by putting pee on them.  That’s right.  Pee on your crops.

And how?  Well, instead of doing it the old fashioned way (following people into bathroom stalls with a jar and a waiver for them to sign) they got people to volunteer.

the organization brought in about 3,000 gallons from 170 human volunteers. Rebecca Rueter, a board member for Rich Earth, invited members of the local women’s chorus to donate their pee.

I bet whoever the worst singer was had to deliver it each week.  And I bet it was probably all hot and Oh My Lord I am gagging for reals.  But we can’t let the overall grossness of it dissuade us.  It is now a matter of national pride.

The scientists concluded not only that urine could replace quick-acting mineral fertilizers, but also calculated that one Northern European adult pees enough plant nutrients to grow 50 to 100 percent of the food requirement for another person. Other successful trials have taken place in China and Mexico, though none as detailed as the Swedish one.

We can’t let the Swedes and Mexicans and Chinese beat us to the punch (bowl) and pee their way to prosperity.  Think of how many people in America have terrible prostates.  We can fertilize things three or four times a night!  I’ll be damned if we PAY for fertilizer when China is making themselves a second yellow river and using it to grow giant pumpkins or whatever.  Their land is probably so fertile by now that the baby corn they put in stir fry is now almost regular sized corn.

Tired of not understanding farm subsidies?  Pee in a jar and send it to a farmer.  Or send it to your congressional representative labeled: “Please send to farmers in your district.  Provide forwarding info and I will send direct on subsequent shipments.”

Government sponsored pee pals.  That is how we win in America.  I would write some more but I need to go care for my yard.  And not just because the deck is closer to me than the bathroom is and the light is off.  That would have been my answer LAST week.  But now I am fertilizing my lawn.