Superficial Movies – Machete

Sangfroid

What are we going to do with the movies? According to the New York Times attendance this summer was the lowest since 1997. Box office isn’t hurting, the theaters are charging more for tickets and they’ve figured out they can charge a premium for gimmicks like 3-D. I’d despair if Hollywood wasn’t all about the money. If the money starts drying up the executives in charge will fire a few of their pet puppets and start looking at more creative directors like Robert Rodriguez.

I can’t think of any movie more suitable to kick of my Superficial Gallery movie reviews than Machete. This homage to violent low budget ’70’s exploitation flicks has an ironic sense of humor about itself that just wasn’t found in the more conventional summer movies like The Expendables. That and there’s nudity, lots of nudity. Jessica Alba gets some artful skin exposure and, in what has to be an intentional in joke, Lindsay Lohan gets a great looking body double. If you’re disappointed about not getting full frontal Lohan don’t worry, she gets a scene where she gets to blast away at everything that moves dressed as a nun.

There were five fake trailers in Grindhouse (Canadian’s got the fifth one Hobo With a Shotgun which is also being made into a full feature film) It was one of those wild ideas that Quentin Tarantino had and Rodriquez already had a script that he’d written in 1993 after working with Danny Trejo on Desperado. He’d never gotten around to making it as a feature but it made a great fake trailer with a mean looking Federale who gets double-crossed. It was outstanding enough that he got a green light on financing for a full length feature.

In the hands of another director, one who didn’t care, this would have ended up another steaming pile on the big screen. Rodriguez has that director’s magic to take all the foolishness seriously; naked girls (wait till you see where she keeps her cell phone) ultra violence and all the other ridiculous moments right from the opening machete pirouette. Sure it’s got a message but anyone who takes this as a serious part of the immigration debate has just been listening to too many talking heads. It’s a fun summer movie and that’s what you’re going to see when you buy the ticket.

Machete is played by the ominous looking Danny Trejo. He’s spent a career playing menace and it’s a pleasure to see him in the lead especially when it becomes evident that he’s going to get the girls just like a more typical hunk of Hollywood man meat. Machete is an ex Federale who’s out to avenge the death of his wife and daughter. Steven Seagal passed up the opportunity to act with the other poseable plastic action figures in The Expendables for the killer drug lord role and for a change I’m not groaning when he’s on screen. Machete lops and chops and escapes to Austin where he’s double crossed and there’s only a few brave souls that are willing and able to help him fight for the dream.

You actually don’t really need a  lot of plot details. It’s all about De Niro doing his best Max Cady with a Texas accent and driving around with Don Johnson looking to shoot border bunnies. Jeff Fahey may have finally escaped the stigma of Lawnmower man with the double-crosser Booth and Cheech Marin proves once again that he doesn’t have to smoke and joke to be on screen. Then there’s the smoking hot Michelle Rodriguez as a taco truck owner with automatic weapons. I’ve become a big fan of the tough girls Michelle plays and there’s a little bit of the tough Latina in the guilty immigration agent Jessica Alba plays too. I think I already mentioned Lindsay Lohan dressed up as a nun with a gun and that’s worth investing in a ticket by itself.

You know what you’re getting into when you walk into Machete. If you met Cheech on the way in he’d tell you all about what Rodriguez was thinking when he shot the movie, “He’s not going to write some socially-conscious, politically articulate thing…….. He’s going to make Machete.”

Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

13 Comments

  1. pcmemoirs
    September 13, 2010 at 6:27 am

    Wow, what a great review. I was going to see the movie anyway, but you just increased my curiosity. Can’t wait to see this! Thanks.

  2. Nicole Ireland
    September 13, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Great review. Although, I’m thinking you’re trying to piss Jessica Alba off since she has the whole issue with being called Latina.

    • sangfroid
      sangfroidReply
      September 13, 2010 at 10:42 am

      You think she’ll dress up like a nun and come get me Nikki?

      • Nicole Ireland
        September 15, 2010 at 8:21 am

        I knew there was a reason you called her that. It’s all clear to me now. And she just may dress up, but I can’t guarantee she’ll smile.

        • sangfroid
          sangfroidReply
          September 15, 2010 at 11:44 am

          Racial typecasting isn’t anything to sneeze at. Just look at Spongebob, that poor guy can’t get any roles that don’t involve sponges.

  3. Patrick
    September 13, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Jessica could come get me anytime..

    Great review. This is the kind of review that gives you a real sense of the movie. I want to see this and have followed the buzz. If I knew nothing about the flick, I would now and could decide. But who doesnt want to see a Rodriguez film?

  4. loolpooq
    September 13, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    nice review Sangfroid

  5. Sangfroid
    SangfroidReply
    September 13, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    Thanks for the compliments guys.

  6. iLuLu
    September 13, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    I don’t plan on seeing Machete but great review. As far movie attendance I think movie goers are tired of crappy movies. Since 2007 I’ve only been to the theater to see 2 movies: Inception and Scott Pilgrim vs The World. I went to see them because they were 2 original ideas. So as Hollywood starts bringing more original movies to the theaters and lower ticket prices then attendance will rise. Until then…

  7. captain america
    captain americaReply
    September 14, 2010 at 7:42 am

    ………Fucking For Money?
    yep, THIS IS INVENTED IN THE STATES, folks!!

    • Acadia
      AcadiaReply
      September 15, 2010 at 4:27 pm

      Dude, that’s so not true as much as I wish it were.

  8. Heidi
    September 14, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Ok I had no interest in seeing this but ok you got me.

    • sangfroid
      sangfroidReply
      September 15, 2010 at 11:46 am

      Don’t forget it is a shoot em up at heart. If you don’t like those kinds of movies all the fascinating back story in the world isn’t going to thrill you.

Let us know what you think. Being on-topic is NOT required.