ACTION, ACTION, ACTION, EYECANDY, EYECANDY, EYECANDY, IT’S IN 3D! ZOMBIES, LOOK THERE ARE ZOMBIES, IT’S IN THREEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEE!

Alice is back. The Umbrella Corp has turned the world into flesh eating zombies and the opening box office guarantees there’s going to be a sequel. Resident Evil: The Franchise is harder to kill than a mutated Doberman.

Look the critics hate this film why are you going to it? It’s mindless action with relatively mild gore and LOUD NOISE with 3D so  they can charge you extra for it. If you’re not a teenager, those indiscriminate philistines with lots of disposable dollars, you must be Gēmu Otaku. For those of you not clued into gaming culture that’s a rather nasty implication that you live in your parents basement and play video games 24/7. There is usually a bad smell involved.

If you weren’t raised by the Plymouth Brethren or watching obscure movies in foreign languages like me, you’ve been inside the warrens of Racoon City fighting zombies and solving puzzles. It’s a franchise just like McDonald’s and even if you’ve grown up and order a vintage Grenache Noir with your Chateaubriand steaks sometimes you yearn for a Quarter pounder with fries and a coke. Alice (Mila Jovovitch) with her ice eyes and bad girl strut is one of those actresses with the body and skills to pull off the live action video game heroine. She’s one hell of a movie hamburger.

I’ve got a question for the director Paul Anderson. No it’s not the one about how Alice manages to find lipstick and a hairdresser in the middle of the zombie apocalypse although I’m sure lots of women want to know how to pull that off. Instead I want to know if you’re married to the woman VH1 refers to as the “reigning queen of kick-butt” can you pretend that latex French-Maid outfit will be one of the Alice costumes? It brings a whole new meaning to the concept of the casting couch as well as a certain insight into why the zombies always attack just as Alice is about to get into the shower.

So Alice is in Japan with all her little sisters and she has a big battle with an exec from Umbrella who’s partially harnessed the power of the virus to give himself super powers. If you’re like me you’re starting a list of what films Anderson is ripping off. There’s the Matrix and whoa the fall from Akira and isn’t it dimes that Billy loads his shotgun with in Young Guns? I guess Alice uses quarters because the dollar has been devalued so much by zombies.

Alice does what she does best and kills everything and then primps a little before heading for Alaska where her buds from the last movie went. Here we find Claire (Ali Lartner) who also has a supply of apocalypse shampoo and everyone is dead so we fly to Los Angeles for a Hollywood producer joke. Wow Arcadia is a ship, 3D effect, 3D effect, jump off the skyscraper Alice there are zombies after you! Good thing you didn’t load your shotguns with dimes because that is one super sized zombie.

BANG, ZAP, ZOWIE, 3D EFFECTS, SLO MO JOVOVITCH and it’s all over and guess what it’s a cliffhanger and we can expect another installment. What do you want to bet that it will be Alice looking good and going up against the evil Umbrella Corporation and that it will be utterly devoid of decent writing or coherency and everyone will go see it again anyway.

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The trailer I included is the one where the powers that be think you’re going to be so excited about the 3D effects that they give the camera process third billing. You also get to see the infamous glasses being thrown. I bet you wish you had 3D glasses now.

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