Superficial Movies – Resident Evil: Afterlife



Alice is back. The Umbrella Corp has turned the world into flesh eating zombies and the opening box office guarantees there’s going to be a sequel. Resident Evil: The Franchise is harder to kill than a mutated Doberman.

Look the critics hate this film why are you going to it? It’s mindless action with relatively mild gore and LOUD NOISE with 3D so  they can charge you extra for it. If you’re not a teenager, those indiscriminate philistines with lots of disposable dollars, you must be Gēmu Otaku. For those of you not clued into gaming culture that’s a rather nasty implication that you live in your parents basement and play video games 24/7. There is usually a bad smell involved.

If you weren’t raised by the Plymouth Brethren or watching obscure movies in foreign languages like me, you’ve been inside the warrens of Racoon City fighting zombies and solving puzzles. It’s a franchise just like McDonald’s and even if you’ve grown up and order a vintage Grenache Noir with your Chateaubriand steaks sometimes you yearn for a Quarter pounder with fries and a coke. Alice (Mila Jovovitch) with her ice eyes and bad girl strut is one of those actresses with the body and skills to pull off the live action video game heroine. She’s one hell of a movie hamburger.

I’ve got a question for the director Paul Anderson. No it’s not the one about how Alice manages to find lipstick and a hairdresser in the middle of the zombie apocalypse although I’m sure lots of women want to know how to pull that off. Instead I want to know if you’re married to the woman VH1 refers to as the “reigning queen of kick-butt” can you pretend that latex French-Maid outfit will be one of the Alice costumes? It brings a whole new meaning to the concept of the casting couch as well as a certain insight into why the zombies always attack just as Alice is about to get into the shower.

So Alice is in Japan with all her little sisters and she has a big battle with an exec from Umbrella who’s partially harnessed the power of the virus to give himself super powers. If you’re like me you’re starting a list of what films Anderson is ripping off. There’s the Matrix and whoa the fall from Akira and isn’t it dimes that Billy loads his shotgun with in Young Guns? I guess Alice uses quarters because the dollar has been devalued so much by zombies.

Alice does what she does best and kills everything and then primps a little before heading for Alaska where her buds from the last movie went. Here we find Claire (Ali Lartner) who also has a supply of apocalypse shampoo and everyone is dead so we fly to Los Angeles for a Hollywood producer joke. Wow Arcadia is a ship, 3D effect, 3D effect, jump off the skyscraper Alice there are zombies after you! Good thing you didn’t load your shotguns with dimes because that is one super sized zombie.

BANG, ZAP, ZOWIE, 3D EFFECTS, SLO MO JOVOVITCH and it’s all over and guess what it’s a cliffhanger and we can expect another installment. What do you want to bet that it will be Alice looking good and going up against the evil Umbrella Corporation and that it will be utterly devoid of decent writing or coherency and everyone will go see it again anyway.


The trailer I included is the one where the powers that be think you’re going to be so excited about the 3D effects that they give the camera process third billing. You also get to see the infamous glasses being thrown. I bet you wish you had 3D glasses now.


Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.


  1. captain america
    captain americaReply
    September 20, 2010 at 5:51 am

    this is not my type of wife, folks!!

  2. Patrick
    September 20, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Smokin’ hot chick with big gun.. of course it will sell! I would not miss it for the world.. so much better then teen movies when I was a teen.. sexy cave woman outfits dont hold a candle..

  3. Acadia
    September 20, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    This post gave me an idea for a gimmick that I am TOTALLY doing.

  4. loolpooq
    September 20, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    double MILF action!

  5. Emerita Rike
    Emerita RikeReply
    October 3, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    It´s sad that todays process movies forfeited the glamour movies had in early life. Tho’ it´s fun to bed ultra tenor , I woman the sort that movies were wager then

    • Acadia
      October 3, 2010 at 5:42 pm

      I also woman the sort that movies were wager then.

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