We've come for the Pig Roast and Beer
When did low budget films stop being fun? I mean bloodthirsty aliens suck up yuppies with giant space going vacuum cleaners so they can go num num num and it ends up boring? How do you manage to screw up a movie with robo-reptilian hit squads? The way I see it Skyline has two destinations; Someone with a lot of wit is going to scrub the soundtrack and dub in a new dialog like Woody Allen did in What’s up Tiger Lilly or it’s going to be one of those cult films that are watched because they’re “SO BAD IT’S GOOD.” Only in the case of Skyline you might as well go ahead and just watch Plan 9 from Outer Space. Plan 9 is almost coherent and it had a big star in Bela Lugosi even though he died and was replaced by Ed Wood’s chiropractor.
It all should be so good, burning blue balls of light streak into LA waking Jarrod (Eric Balfour, Haven and Scrubs) and Elaine (Scottie Thompson, Trauma and NCIS) after a big party. Zap! Don’t go into the light silly pretty people from TV. Rawr monsters are going to stomp on LA and eat brains without fava beans. Don’t let them use my nervous system as a suppository mommy! Who gives a dam about plot and character development? Who gives a dam about the science in science fiction? It must be a commercial for one of those super beds. “You too can sleep in comfort. Look a nuclear bomb has gone off next door and the apartment hardly rattles.
I so wish they'd stop exploding Atomic Bombs in LA. I had to clean up all this wine.
The directors Colin and Greg Straus come from an FX background. I’ve got news for whoever financed this film, ninety minutes of PEW PEW PEW doesn’t make a watchable movie especially when you’re sitting there in the dark theater thinking, “Oh that was much better in the first movie I saw it in.” The Straus brothers blamed Fox for butchering their first outing Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. It’s pretty clear that they have to look in the mirror for blame for Skyline. One of the more positive reviews I read stated: “Don’t even bother to steal this film.”
Bushwoolies want BRAINS!
I’m not even going to get excited about the possibility of a sequel. The idea is obviously the most scary thing in Skyline. Sequel is obviously hanging there at the awful ending. Maybe they can combine bad movies. The sperm whale monster from Cloverfield wouldn’t be out of place in Skyline. No let’s get something more creative going. The radioactive mutant horses from My Little Pony. It will turn out that the Smooze was always a brain eating alien with a giant vacuum cleaner spaceship. I’m pretty sure that the Bushwoolies already eat brains in the My Little Pony movie so it’s an easy match.
Sweet Stuff has muffins tattooed all over her butt. What would you think of a girl with muffins on her fanny who wants you to call her “Sweet Stuff?” I’ll tell you what you’d think, and it involves sneaking out before she wakes up and never calling her again.
My Netflix Review:
This movie is the floater that won’t flush. It’s the worst wide release sci-fi movie since Battlefield Earth forced us to find multiple synonyms for dung. The writing is horrible. The premise is horrible. It drags in parts, and the parts that don’t are such a blatant rip-off of every other sci-fi movie to make money, you can’t help but laugh at it. But in a bad way. It’s not even funny bad enough in a good way to be comical. It rips off Transformers, Matrix, Cloverfield, King Kong, Independence Day and several other movies. Hell, the giant aliens even look a bit like the Rancor from Star Wars. You’re never told why they invade, or what the point of the invasion is. The movie drags in the first half so bad that I was constantly looking at my watch, and after only an hour in, I was ready to leave, but my wife was sticking it out. That didn’t stop other people from walking out. Then it just ends on a cliffhanger that explains or resolves nothing, and I guarantee there won’t be a sequel, so now what? I can’t get my life or money back, so I just have to be mugged by the entertainment industry. To paraphrase Billy Madison: What the Brothers Strause have just released is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in their rambling, incoherent film were they even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in that theater is now dumber for having watched it. I award them no points, and may God have mercy on their souls.
I’m kind of into the idea of letting the bushwoolies invade LA and search for brains to suck. Now that would be a good sequel. In fact it might be the script Acadia is looking for with his Scarlett Johansson,Anne Hathaway, Tera Patrick and Kristen Wiig project.
On another interesting note with a movie as universally reviled as this one was it’s pretty easy to see which reviews are posted by PR flacks and the director’s Mom. It made me wonder just how many glowing reviews are being posted by people with vested interests on more acceptable movies.
I got the exact same impression. Anyone who 4-5 starred this is a shill or stupid.
I’d pay to see a sequel with Paris Hilton’s brain stuck in a Rancor. She could carry a little dog around, howling HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWT! and destroying all non-Hilton hotels. Lindsey Lohan could go apeshit on rehab centers. Heidi Montag would just look at it as another cosmetic procedure, and she’d keep going to auditions.
Then I’d be sitting in the theater going “This was so much funnier in Mar’s Attacks! when they switched the dog’s head around.”
I think writers are the only idiots that Hollywood doesn’t throw boatloads of cash at for idiotic ideas.
Am I the only one that thought the whole brain thing was a little too inspired by Destroy All Humans!?
everything that dude with the long face is in tanks. he better not get Haven cancelled!
So he’s a no go in our version of My Little Pony?