We've come for the Pig Roast and Beer

When did low budget films stop being fun? I mean bloodthirsty aliens suck up yuppies with giant space going vacuum cleaners so they can go num num num and it ends up boring? How do you manage to screw up a movie with robo-reptilian hit squads? The way I see it Skyline has two destinations; Someone with a lot of wit is going to scrub the soundtrack and dub in a new dialog like Woody Allen did in What’s up Tiger Lilly or it’s going to be one of those cult films that are watched because they’re “SO BAD IT’S GOOD.” Only in the case of Skyline you might as well go ahead and just watch Plan 9 from Outer Space. Plan 9 is almost coherent and it had a big star in Bela Lugosi even though he died and was replaced by Ed Wood’s chiropractor.

It all should be so good, burning blue balls of light streak into LA waking Jarrod (Eric Balfour, Haven and Scrubs) and Elaine (Scottie Thompson, Trauma and NCIS) after a big party. Zap! Don’t go into the light silly pretty people from TV. Rawr monsters are going to stomp on LA and eat brains without fava beans. Don’t let them use my nervous system as a suppository mommy! Who gives a dam about plot and character development? Who gives a dam about the science in science fiction? It must be a commercial for one of those super beds. “You too can sleep in comfort. Look a nuclear bomb has gone off next door and the apartment hardly rattles.

I so wish they'd stop exploding Atomic Bombs in LA. I had to clean up all this wine.

The directors Colin and Greg Straus come from an FX background. I’ve got news for whoever financed this film, ninety minutes of PEW PEW PEW doesn’t make a watchable movie especially when you’re sitting there in the dark theater thinking, “Oh that was much better in the first movie I saw it in.” The Straus brothers blamed Fox for butchering their first outing Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. It’s pretty clear that they have to look in the mirror for blame for Skyline. One of the more positive reviews I read stated: “Don’t even bother to steal this film.”

Bushwoolies want BRAINS!

I’m not even going to get excited about the possibility of a sequel. The idea is obviously the most scary thing in Skyline. Sequel is obviously hanging there at the awful ending. Maybe they can combine bad movies. The sperm whale monster from Cloverfield wouldn’t be out of place in Skyline. No let’s get something more creative going. The radioactive mutant horses from My Little Pony. It will turn out that the Smooze was always a brain eating alien with a giant vacuum cleaner spaceship. I’m pretty sure that the Bushwoolies already eat brains in the My Little Pony movie so it’s an easy match.

Sweet Stuff has muffins tattooed all over her butt. What would you think of a girl with muffins on her fanny who wants you to call her “Sweet Stuff?” I’ll tell you what you’d think, and it involves sneaking out before she wakes up and never calling her again.