Since I watch the news for at least 15 minutes every morning while I drink coffee before I go to work and also sometimes read other pages on the Internet, I have become aware of the apocalypse that is the Swine Flu. I also found out that Anna Kooiman has a funny name but is kind of hot and makes the news seem less dreary. But the point of this is the Swine Flu.
See – everyone is in a big panic and I blame the people that don’t have Swine Flu for it. Healthy people using the Internet is fucking everything up. Here’s how!
- Stupid website posts (like this one) who talk about swine flu hoping to get search engine hits so they can sell face masks and immunity helmets through Adsense. Though it must be noted that I don’t believe in helmets of any kind, I bet if you look at my ad sense you will see some kind of ad about a face mask or some shit.
- Idiots on Twitter. Actually, idiots on Twitter may be responsible for all sorts of bad shit, but my research on this is incomplete.
- Google Maps – helpful doofuses making maps of the USA with big circles on them where there are outbreaks and whatnot. Do they look like the big screen from War Games? Yes. But other than that, it is not helpful. What is someone gonna do, move?
- People who blame Mexico. Though I do realize that if people think of Mexico they usually think of Cancun or a guy in a sombrero sleeping under a cactus. Mexico sucks at marketing.
OK – so what have we learned? Well, that if you are reading this, the odds of you getting Swine Flu are pretty fucking low. Unless you are a really smart baby reading this, in which case, don’t say swear words like I did, and stay inside! And if you are really old, then you are pretty cool for reading this, and I am sure that will protect you. And if you are neither a baby nor an old person, then stop getting your news from anywhere on the Internet except this site. Unless you live in Charlotte. Then you can get some of your news from Anna Kooiman.