Good evening. I came across this today in my travels on the internet:

The thing being discussed is what is known so far about the misconduct that has gotten Garrison Keillor in trouble. Billy Wood over here is concerned that in this topsy turvy world of men being held accountable, touching might be found inappropriate! “All touching is not inappropriate,” says Billy.

via GIPHY

Surprise! You’re wrong, Billy.

Pretty much all touching is, in fact, inappropriate.

 

via GIPHY

The above is a dramatization of every man reading this right now. Don’t worry, I’m going to try to help you to understand, guys. I don’t know why it’s hard, but I acknowledge that, for some reason, it really truly is. The number of times I have seen men lament online how hard it is going to be for them to “meet women” or “get dates” or say things like “oh I can’t hold a door for women anymore, that’s sexist now?” is pretty much uncountable. At least, I’ve given up counting. I’m going to estimate the number of times I’ve seen such things at about… 1.3 million. That seems approximately correct. Close enough.

Let me break it down for you. First, let me provide a list of the men who I will accept touching from:

  1. men I am dating
  2. men I am friends with
  3. men I am related to
  4. EMTs or doctors/nurses if I am dying

That’s it, literally that’s all. The alleged incident and the description we have, which is from the accused perpetrator, I’ll remind you, is that Keillor put his hand on a woman’s back to console her (and it “accidentally” went 6 inches up her shirt on her bare back – accidentally). I’m assuming this woman was a colleague based on the context. Guess when I want a man at work to put his hand on my back to console me? Never. Never ever ever ever. I’m not even going to address the “my hand accidentally went up inside her shirt onto her bare back” because I’m not dignifying that nonsense with a response.

Honestly I can’t, as a rational 41 year old adult woman, even begin to understand when else you guys think we want you touching us so I’m just going to hazard some guesses here, based on your simplistic lizard brains, and then explain to you why they are wrong. Ready? Here we go:

When you see a pretty lady and want to gain her attention

We don’t care if you want to gain our attention. Use your words only. Your desire for our attention means literally nothing to us. I will drink this mug of man tears while you cry about our collective lack of interest.

When you think we need help doing something, but we have not asked for your help

Again, no. If I didn’t ask for your help, don’t put your hand on me to help me up from a chair, down from a car, out of an elevator, I don’t know, out of a horse-drawn carriage? Into a helicopter? Just don’t. If I want your help I will ask you. Otherwise, hands-off.

When you are just a really nice guy and you really want a woman to understand that you are just a nice guy, and not a bad guy, but like a really nice one

No, don’t touch us. All nice guy points revoked for touching us.

When you think that a woman has done something like dressed a certain way in order to gain the attention of men in general, and therefore you specifically

Again, no. She will let you know if she wants your attention by speaking to you or dating you. Otherwise do not touch her.

I don’t know when else to even guess you think we want you to touch us.

If you are reading this and feeling defensive right now, yes, I’m talking to you. Stop touching women without an invitation, brochacho. 

Here is an infographic I made to help illustrate my point if pictures make it simpler:

You’re welcome. If you think you want to argue with me, I welcome your attempts in the comments.