SPOILERS THROUGHOUT
The Globetrotters are the first off to Rio but it looks like all the teams bunch up on the train so everyone is starting out on even footing. Teams then try to find the best flight to Rio. It looks like Team Vanmilla and Jen & Kisha found a flight that gets in two hours sooner than the one the Globetrotters and Team Aspberger found. But the other teams clue in and they all bunch up on the same flight to Rio. Those basketball players shore can haul ass through an airport, dang.
All teams except the Globetrotters make the train. I am screaming obscenities right now. But wait. Tt looks like, right before commercial, they let them on the train. HOPES SOAR! But then commercial break ends and the Globetrotters are fucked. HOPES DASHED.
Detour: Who’s Not Afraid of Shaking their Boots? One team member dresses in wild a Carnivale costume and dances the samba. Team Vanilla daughter takes up the challenge. She looks like she is having fun which makes me like her more. She succeeds quickly and gets the next clue. They go to Copacabana next. Zev struggles with the dancing. Jen & Kisha finished ahead of zev. The Globetrotters are catching up!!!!!! Big Easy chooses the samba task and Flight Time shows support by hollering, “Shake it, baby! Shake yo big butt!” I’m so loving this.
Team Vanilla gets to the next task: body waxing. A Brazilian wax. I feel for the men but Team Vanilla dad is kinda hot now. Zev is like a damn ape; he’s gonna cryyyyy. I’m not sure what they would do with a contestant without body hair. Would that be like a Fast Forward for me? Flight Time flirts with his waxer. Team Aspberger is in pain. One of them threatens to punch the waxer in the face. And this is just their chests, not their goodies. Men are wimps.
Detour: On the Rocks. Teams must make 100 Caipirinhas or choose an umbrella festooned with bikini tops. Contestants must convince women to buy and model a certain number of bikini tops. Three teams choose the booze and Aspberger tries bikini tops. Team Vanilla kept fucking it up but finally figured it out and finish first. Team Asberger can’t sell a bikini to save their damn lives and swap tasks. Jen & Kisha finish next. Come ON globetrotters! Watching them sing and dance with the band is fun but I will kick thier big old butts if they lose because they were fucking around. Those boys can dance a bit and dang they’re fun. I’m adding this line to see if anyone reads this shit. I don’t think anyone actually reads this and I’ve had the better part of a bottle of wine so if you read this post a message in the comments telling me if you prefer red or white. I’m drinking a sweet red, btw. Thanks.
Teams move on to an art museum for the next Pit Stop. The last team to check in will be eliminated. Team Vanilla comes in first and Phil is cheering for them! They win a trip on a Mediterranean cruise. At this point, so long as Aspberger doesn’t win, I’m good. Phil cheers on Kisha & Jen to second place. I think Phil has had a few Caipirinhas today. Globetrotters are team #3!!!!!! The dude standing on the mat with Phil looks like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. Phil does not cheer Team Aspberger to the mat. They are duly eliminated. Hour One of the Finale over!
HOUR TWO
Teams fly to Miami next, Team Vanilla leaving first, followed by Jen and Kisha with Globetrotters in last place. All three teams take the same flight and hit Florida on level footing. Globetrotters get their cab first, Team Vanilla can’t find a cab. Cab stands at an airport, what? Jen & Kisha sweet talk their cabbie into passing the Globetrotters.
A team member must use a forklift to transport a boat to a dry dock storage rack. Globetrotters and Jen & Kisha arrive at the same time and thank DOG Flight Time takes this task! Marina employee rides along, coaching team members all along. Big Easy sucks at flirting. Flight Time finishes FIRST! Team Vanilla hits the marina after the other two teams have already left. Dad does the task super fast though.
Teams next look for Jules’ Undersea Lodge in Key Largo. Detour: Mermaids! Teams use a Bob Dive to swim among mermaids to find sunken treasure. It’s Big Easy’s turn and he is not happy about it. Neither are Jen & Kisha. Flight Time boogies tank-side while Big Easy wastes time eyeballin’ the mermaids. There’s a band underwater! Big Easy finds the sunken treasure first, YES! He runs out while getting dressed and holy crap their cab didn’t come back. FUUUUUUCK. They start running down the street and intercept the cab, oh yes!Team Vanilla arrives to mermaids after the other two teams have already left.
Teams are now making their way to Big Key West. Walk across a shallow section of ocean to Horseshoe Island to fin the next clue under the tallest tree. Jen & Kisha are barely ahead of Globetrotters. As slowly as those boys are moving, I’m about to switch allegiance. Teams then hop in a stinkpot and Jen & Kisha are ZOOMING away.
Next clue is in a retirement trailer park. Create a Trailer,haul a trailer to a spot, hook to utility, and set up a living space to match one in a brochure. The wind makes this a super fun task. Both teams struggle with the awning in particular. It looks like Team Vanilla catches up. Jen & Kisha finish finish the trailer task fisrt and move on to the Seven Mile Bridge and the Final Pit Stop. Team members hop on old people bikes to the finish line. The wind is fucking EVERYTHING all up.
The Seven Mile Bridge is seven miles long on old people bikes with no gears. Jen & Kisha have a good enough lead, even walking their bikes at times, to edge out the Globetrotters, becoming the second all female team to win. They are good girls, if a little bland, and I am happy for them. Congrats ladies. Globetrotters had a fairly close second place, and then Team Vanilla rolled in, all smiles. Team Cowboy threw his hat in the air with a big ole “Yeeehaw,” and thus ends another season around the world.
