My neighbor. She wants me.

I decided it was time to share my infinite man wisdom. Women just don’t get it and I’m going to clue them in. Also, boobs.

  • Men are NOT mind readers.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat.  You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. I’m going to start complaining now, though.
  • Sunday sports: it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let me be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work! Just fucking say it!
  • “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
  • If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. Gaining weight makes bigger boobs.
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, fucking do it yourself.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  • All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  • If it itches, it  will be scratched. We do that.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say, “Nothing,”  we will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… really. We rarely give a shit. Taking your clothes off…now, that’s a different story. We pretty much only care about clothes coming off.
  • Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, hamburgers, or the next door neighbor’s tits.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • I am in shape.   Round is a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

 

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