I mention golf below.  That justifies this picture.  Don't judge me.

I mention golf below. That justifies this picture. Don't judge me.

See how the title of this post is so direct?  I am not messing around.  I’m just gonna tell you some things you can do today and then that’s it.  After that it is up to you.

  • Watch the British Open.  It will be over pretty early since they are 5 hours ahead of us.  And since Tom Watson is leading (making him, at 59, the oldest player to ever lead a major going into the final day) you can wonder if that makes golf the best sport ever or not much of a sport at all.  Also – some British guy might win, but his PITA wife is inconveniently almost having their first baby at the same time.  She better hold it in.  Unless he starts sucking on the back nine and has no shot, in which case she should just cut loose.
  • Go outside.  I realize that is pretty general, but since I don’t know where you live, I can’t be more specific.  Like, if you live near water, I would say go there.  But everyone else might have the same idea which would make it suck.  So in order to avoid being sued, just stay on your own property, but outside your house.
  • Help me figure out what the fuck is wrong with Japan.
  • Then help me figure out what the fuck is wrong with the people who made Gwyneth Paltrow’s Website.  Why when you click on something does it show up in that tiny little window?
  • Watch God vs. Satan on the History Channel.  And then come back next week cause I have to play the winner.
  • Figure out Twitter.  And for real.  It’s more fun than I thought it was.  And it can come in handy in the unlikely event that you need to tell a lot of people something very brief.
  • DO NOT WATCH “KNOWING” WITH NICOLAS CAGE!  I cannot stress this enough.  I am putting the trailer down below.  You can watch that and then you will be fine.  Everything that was the slightest bit interesting about the movie is in the trailer.  Everything else sucked.  I watched it last night and thus can tell you in no uncertain terms that you should not let my suffering get wasted.  You know in movies when there is something that happens for a couple seconds (like, hmm, a certain character was good as a slingshot as a kid) you know it will come into play later on?  Well, the people that wrote this movie didn’t read the rules.  So shit just gets put in all willy nilly.  Ugh.
  • LOL at how Mark Sanford refuses to shut up but gets to stay Governor.  I am now rooting for him.  The latest?  His Editorial!
  • Remind me why I watch “The Next Food Network Star”.  I think it is because, like porn, everyone on the Food Network is a “Star”.  Also, do all the la la chefs they have on Top Chef and shows like that thing Gordon Ramsay is good or no?  Like, I don’t know anything about high brow chef…feree so I don’t know.  But I sort of think all the other chef’s laugh at him.
  • Waste some time at Know Your Meme.  You can spend time learning how pretty much 4Chan is the primordial soup from which 99.6% of all of the Internet fads are spawned.

That’s all I got.  I’m not a frigging cruise director.  If you cannot make a nice Sunday out of some combination of the shit I gave you, then you are just being a dick.