Listen, I come off as angry on the internet a lot, I know. But I’m actually a perfectly lovely person, I promise. Or else all my friends and loved ones are lying to me. But since I’m not a rich white dude trying to get away with taking advantage of people a hundred different ways, I’m pretty sure they’re not. Typically I’m angry because I’m upset about an injustice, or at the very least an extremely rude or thoughtless person.

All this to set up the rest of this post, in which I explain that there are certain things that other human beings can do which will make me not just eager to see your downfall and eventual ruin, but I’ll actively root for it. I’ll happily send all my emotional energy out into the universe in the direction of things happening to ruin you, because you are objectively terrible, and I want you to fail. Ready? Here is a partial, definitely not complete list:

Take out a mortgage to buy bitcoin

Be Lena Dunham

Kick a woman in the face at your concert

Actually get upset about Starbucks cups

Support a single thing Woody Allen has ever done

Try to justify creepy old men wanting to have sex with 14 year old girls

Be Daryl Metcalfe

And last but not least, be a man and cry about how unfair the world is to you, suddenly, now (hint: it’s not):

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