Back in April, the fine proprietor of this site, Acadia asked me to write an article. No, you didn’t miss it. The article never got written. I did my homework, took notes, prepared an outline…I wanted to do it. I was excited to do it. Shit, I paid Pall Malls for the materials I needed to do the assignment. I. Just. Couldn’t.
They shut down the computer lab at the County jail – Thanks COVID! Kinda hard to upload articles when you don’t have access to the Internet.
As I fancy myself resourceful, I wrote the article on a tiny inch wide scroll and sent it off to Acadia using Pigeons that land on my window sill. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. It’s not that Pigeons aren’t good at delivering stuff – there are many highly decorated Pigeon Veterans of the World Wars, but it’s because they weren’t Pigeons. They were Turtledoves – not the good Alt-History kind of Turtledoves though and Turtledoves can’t deliver shit!
Well, they do deliver shit quite well as it’s all over the window sill of my cell. They just can’t deliver inch wide scrolls rolled VERY tightly and attached to their legs. I should have figured it out before my 4th attempt and 114 ft of inch wide paper later. They sounded and looked like Pigeons. If only there was a place with books I could borrow here in the jail about types of birds. But, I digress.
I became despondent, Acadia had given me a task and I couldn’t execute it – FYI don’t tell your fellow inmates in the rec yard that you can or can’t execute it, they take it the wrong way. So, I wrote a letter to him to explain the situation and he wrote back.
Wow! I was not prepared for his reply! So gracious! I thought for sure that he’d be furious with me after no contact for months. Acadia was SO cool about it! He told me not to worry, he was training some Pigeons real ones and once they made their way to me, I could get the article to him. He was also training sloths his wife had rescued to type Closed Captions for his live streams. They would transcribe the scroll for him while he read it aloud during a fake live stream. The sloths seemed to have organized into a “Typist Union” of sorts and they won’t transcribe unless he’s live streaming It’s in their collective bargaining agreement, anyway, I digress again. He mentioned that the sloths weren’t the fastest typists, but they were VERY accurate. So, it would be a bit before he could get it published because he’s been live streaming the latest episode of CHRS for the last 56 hours and he still had a backlog of Strangeful Things to record.
The downside for me was that I had to write it again and I’d run out of the inch wide paper to write it on. 38 feet of inch wide paper was going to cost me at least 4 packs of Pall Malls.
Fortune smiled upon me though and I got to keep my Pall Malls! I was released to home confinement this week – Thanks COVID! I now have Internet again and can finally learn what all the fuss about “The Child” is.
Now it’s time to do what Acadia asked me to do originally, so come back soon for the article you will be looking for.
