There was once a glorious age of toaster food. Before the Mi-Cro-Wave, humans used only glowing red hot coils to provide themselves with warm snack food. It was a savage age and the Pop Tart ruled the toaster. There are only so many things you can put into a toaster. There was once a pop tart-style breakfast sandwich with bacon in it. Unlike the infamous viral strawberry pop tart blowtorch video, the bacon Pop Tart actually flamed your toaster without having to rig the toaster.  Don’t think about your favorite Pop Tart right now. It’s impossible isn’t it, unless you’ve been raised completely outside the great American food lie, your mind just flashed back to a Pavlovian memory of that Pop Tart you crave. They recently brought back grape. Was grape the only kind you ate as a kid?

Super Fun Fact: The average person eats eight pounds of grapes a year. Another super fun fact: even though there’s a big banner on the Pop Tart box shouting NOW BAKED WITH REAL FRUIT, my favorite, the Frosted Strawberry, has only 6% actual fruit and less than 2% of that is strawberry. Asking what “fruit” consists of ruins the whole experience. It’s like asking what’s in a McDonald’s McNugget. I stopped eating McNuggets after I made the mistake of doing that. Glorious tasty industrial food shouldn’t be questioned too much.

This is raw McNuggets

Australians like to point out that they’re healthier than Americans and Canadians because Pop Tart’s sold so poorly there that Kellogs discontinued them in 2005. What a bunch of hypocrites. Have you ever tasted Vegemite? Australians smear this goo on anything edible. Guess what, you anti-Pop Tart Australian types? Vegemite is essentially industrial waste someone slapped a healthy sounding label on and sold with a kick ass marketing campaign. Yes, that’s right some wonky smart fellow said, “What the hell are we going to do with all this leftover brewer’s yeast?” and Vegemite was born. It makes the Pop Tart’s origin as dog food pale in comparison.

Did you know that Pop Tarts are actually Chinese Food? They were invented in China as part of a process devised to preserve dog food in foil packets. Now, listen carefully, folks. This is a story like Steve Jobs going into the Xerox research building and asking, “Why the hell aren’t you selling this wonderful mouse thing with the GUI interface?” Post cereals actually invented the pop tart. Kellogg looked at the lame ass Country Squares, worked on the idea for six months, and came up with Pop Tarts in 1964. They invented a cute animated toaster named Milton to sell them and haven’t looked back since. Today, you can get flavors like chocolate chip, S’mores, Raspberry, and French Toast. We eat them raw, toasted, or frozen. We don’t care, they’re Pop Tarts and they’re our food.

Speaking of French Toast, is there anyone out there who will actually admit to having eaten that flavor?  Aside from the special Halloween Pumpkin with it’s “ear wax-like filling,” French Toast is the most universally reviled Pop Tart flavor. Maybe it’s the stamped image of a piece of bread on the pastry that turns people off. I had to try some; your reporter was the kind of child who would have said a picture of a piece of bread does not make it bread. I refused to eat Froot Loops for years because Fruit is not spelled Froot. French Toast pop tarts are just painfully dry, cinnamon-flavored pop tarts with a maple scent to them. I wasn’t even close to being reminded of French Toast. I did, however, end up with a craving for a cinnamon Pop Tart, proving that I’m an incurable food romantic. Does anyone have any Tang? The astronauts drank that, you know.