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Here Today, Gorilla Tomorrow

Here Today, Gorilla Tomorrow

As we all know Harambe, the 17 year old silverback gorilla was killed, and in the spirit of all things internet it is now time to pretend that we are all so much better than the mother of that 4 year old boy. Pick up your pitch forks and torches at your nearest Wifi connection, i.e. Starbucks and don’t forget to order a venti soy mocha cup of shut the hell up. Don’t forget to care more about this gorilla then a human life too. Lol America! Where were all of you all the years that Harambe was in prison? Death seems a welcome friend to a life spent in Cincinnati. Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow.

I often imagine myself in different scenarios with my 4 year old daughter. I constantly have to be prepared for the next, “omg what is she doing now?” moment. If I take her to the pool I’m in the pool chair watching her and thinking, if she were to slip could I catch her before she falls? 8/10 times the answer is no – and guess what? That’s life.

Although I would like to think of myself commando rolling across the pool deck, sliding to save her just in time and “We are the Champions” playing as I hoist her up above my head to a cheering crowd, that’s just not reality.

Pitchforks

About The Author

BNev

B. Nevin is the new cohost of the Waiting for the Train podcast. Since she doesn’t write anything I have to do her bio for her. I’m guessing that her spelling is poor and her grammar lacking, which is a shame because those are the traits we look for in writers. And I heard tell that in real life she is a beautician or a mortician or something. Sort of the same job when you think about it. Weird. If you ask her, she will tell you she’s “the talent” but I am not sure she knows what that means. Unless she swallows bubble gum and blows fart bubbles with her butt while we are recording all I am getting is the same banter she gives the housewives and corpses while she…makeups them. I need to check these resumes more closely when they come in!

25 Comments

  1. Carey Head

    Anyone who thinks they can manage a toddler ALL THE TIME either has never had one, or has forgotten what it’s like.

    Reply
    • Cider

      Correct. I remember many a time when my mom or dad or both parents together lost one or the other of my brothers. Please. I don’t know why people like to pretend perfection is the only possible way to be a parent.

      Reply
  2. BNev

    Exactly! 🙂

    Reply
  3. lonebannanadotcom

    I blame the parents for having the kids.

    Reply
    • BNev

      Ikr, damn breeders!

      Reply
  4. Bigscrod wants cake

    Speaking as a parent that maybe – and I must stress *maybe* as I am unclear on the statute of limitations on this situation – more than once was in that actual situation and – again ‘maybe’ – twice actually had to pull a sputtering toddler from a pool in water that was over his or her theoretical head, I get what you are saying. Kids can go from zero to catastrophe in a flash.
    This is how we end up with new legislation. So, instead of being able to enjoy animals in something that we fat tourists imagine as something close to their natural habitats, we get fences and walls and everything else that separates us from actually experiencing the animals.

    Reply
    • BNev

      Lol! Filed under allegedly

      Reply
  5. Cider

    Animals don’t want to be in zoos anyway, FFS. Check out San Francisco Wild Animal Park. Everything else can shut up and GOML.

    Reply
  6. Sangfroid

    Considering that prisoners have escaped from six inch openings it’s impractical to “childproof” any enclosure like this. I’m sure that won’t stop the lawyers.

    Reply
    • Cider

      I disagree. No children are accidentally getting into my home. I have a normal door with a lock on it. They can figure it out. FFS, zoo, get yourselves together.

      Reply
      • Sangfroid

        We can have first time parents design zoos. We all know how well attempting to childproof a home works.

        Reply
        • Cider

          Or we could put a toddler in a maximum security prison and see how well they are able to get out. Or we could just lock them in their rooms with a lock on a door and see if they can get out. Just because they can open a fridge doesn’t mean they should be able to get into an enclosure with a dangerous animal. Godssake GOML people.

          Reply
  7. Acadia Einstein

    If it had been a polar bear they would have tased it since it was white.

    Reply
    • BNev

      Glad you said it first! Lol

      Reply
  8. Throckmorton Snurd

    On the other hand, 9 billion people vs. a critically endangered species in a cage he had no choice about living in. I think it would have done more good to thin the human population on this one.

    Reply
    • Cider

      Unless you think we are going to enter an era where people are going to let small children be mauled by wild animals, which is just ridiculous, then that’s not valid. If you want to thin the human population by letting people have abortions or killing terrible adults, I’m perfectly fine with it. I’m not OK letting an animal kill a toddler. If your 4 year old/3 year old, whatever, was being mauled by a bear would you let it die because oh well, thin the human population? I don’t think so. Let’s live in reality, people, not the distortion field we invent when we decide to be self-righteous about other people who aren’t our own family or friends. FFS.

      Reply
      • BNev

        Lol when are we gonna start our Hunger games?

        Reply
        • Cider

          My body is ready BNev. I will be dead in the first 13 seconds, by my own hand. #hungergames2k16

          Reply
          • BNev

            Bwah ha ha ha

  9. Cornmeal

    As a parent myself, I totally understand the notion of “kids gonna kid”. However, standing at a gorilla enclosure, or just being at place where such things exist, seems like a good time to be on your game and to know wtf is going on.

    Reply
    • BNev

      I completely agree with that. It is a lot different going into a public situation with your child then being at home or at a family gathering let’s say. However, after reading more and more about the actual events from eye witnesses it seems that the only thing that may have prevented this accident was a leash on the child.

      The media decided to run the story a certain way, I.e. he had to climb over this and then go under a wire gate and idk know a secret handshake to enter the enclosure. A couple standing right next to the mother with their kids has already said none of that is true. He slipped and rolled into the moat. Her husband tried to grab him but it was too late.

      This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I’ve read stories the last two days where parents have actually been holding a child and accidents have happened. The key term is accident. A very unfortunate one.

      Also this same zoo recently had an accident where 2 polar bears got loose and a zoo worker lost an arm… a god damn arm ffs. I’d just prefer to get all the facts in before we lay blame.

      Reply
      • Cornmeal

        I’ll admit to only looking at this incident from the outside. I haven’t been going out of my way to follow the story so I only know the broad strokes. So if a firsthand account of what happened is out there I haven’t seen it. I don’t know what the layout of the area is. So, I could very well be wrong, but I’m still having trouble absolving the mother of all (or at least a little) responsibility here.

        Having said that, I think the events that took place after the ball was rolling happened exactly as they should have.

        Reply
  10. Bigscrod wants cake

    FFS, it has to be somebody’s fault! It can’t possibly be a tragic accident all around.

    Reply
    • BNev

      Ok it’s my fault. I was in the grassy knoll, pushed him and stole his cotton candy! Lol

      Reply
      • Cider

        I knew it was you, BNev. I knew it all along.

        Reply

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