“I had to run my finger through that congealed sauce.” –Padma Lakshmi

Why did I include that quote?  Because it was the best part of this episode, and it wasn’t even IN the episode.  It’s from the “extra extended judges table video” that I am lamely posting because the whole fucking episode was lamer than the ‘cuisine’ in my house when I was growing up.  My Irish grandmother used to make the most heartwarming dinners of “stuff she boiled” or, for breakfast “french toast that may also have been boiled”.  So when the contestants went to Ellis Island and got all misty about their immigrant blah blah blah it just pissed me off.

“My ancestors came from Ireland and all I got was a tendency to drink and sneer” is what my novelty T-shirt would say if I had one.  I realize I should embrace my heritage but I honestly don’t give a shit when stupid cooking show contestants get all fucking teary eyed about the hard times their ancestors had and then they go punch a Mexican and make him be a bus boy in their restaurant.  I bet when they were figuring out who should be on this series they thought of the Ellis Island challenge and immediately stopped considering all American Indian chefs.  Probably because there are none.  How much corn (excuse me, maize) can someone eat?  Anyway, now they we know you and Bravo are racist I can reveal the following:

  1. Nobody got eliminated (lame)
  2. The video below has Padma saying ‘congealed’ which will really help fill out my ‘famous people saying congealed’ sound board
  3. Next week Padma is going to be in a bikini in the Bahamas so I might not be able to do a recap cuz I’ll be flying to the Bahamas believing she is still there.  I’m bad at time.
  4. After the jump I answer the question: does Tom Colicchio lean over and squeeze out farts at Gayle during the judging!

Tom: Squeeeeeeeak