For some dumb reason I’m recapping “True Blood”.  I’m not putting anything before the break because there are more spoilers in here then when I taught that “The Holidays and Their Origins” class to some second graders by mistake.

Here come my hot bullets!

  • I have a new appreciation for the “previously on” recap montage.  This one hit everything.
  • Sookie was in some hokey joint with the fairies eating glowy apples when she saw her grandfather who had been there 20 years but thought it was only a few hours.
  • They did a little Persephone tribute by Sookie not eating the fruit which allowed her to leave after she inevitably found out the fairies were not what they seemed and she had to escape.
  • The state of the fairies is that the Queen of them wants to cut them off from Earth and there is a fairy resistance that doesn’t want her to.  They are also gross looking.
  • Sookie got home and found out her house was sold and her brother told her that she has been gone 12 and a half months.
  • Lafayette and his boyfriend are hanging around with some witches.  They brought a parrot back to life.  Lafayette didn’t believe it at first because hey: if there are vampires and werewolves then apparently witches are just too far-featched.
  • Sam Merlotte has shape changing buddies.  They turned into horses and ran around.  Stupid power.  They should turn into gorillas and just stay gorillas.  They would have their human brains, thumbs and super strength.  The fact that they don’t so that is stupid.
  • Tara is a lesbian cage fighter hiding her real identity from her cage fighter girlfriend in New Orleans.  Just let that sentence sink in.  Do you feel smarter?
  • Bill gave the town of Mud Pump a library or old folks home or something.
  • The vampires are trying to fix their image after the dude last year killed that chick.
  • The goofy looking ginger chick is fighting with her doof boyfriend and wants to bite more dudes.  I guess.  I sort of glaze over when they are on.
  • Jason went to feed the Children of the Corn and they locked him in a freezer.
  • Bill is the Vampire King of Louisiana!!!  Remember when I said the montage was on target?  Well they showed Bill getting ready to fight the Queen.  I said when they showed it that someone must have won.  Then later when the Kid Rock vampire had to do what Bill said I was all: he won the fight and is the king!  I’m awesome.
  • He has some hot vampire spying on the witches.
  • Mud Pump has more shit going on than Sunnydale did on Buffy.  But Sunnydale was Hellmouth.  There was an explanation.  A stupid one, sure but it was something.  Mud Pump has zip!  And hardly any titties.

Grade: C