Please - hurry. I feel my blood moving too easily through my arteries.

I need someone to make me turtle burgers.  I know that sounds like some kind of thing you’d find on Urban Dictionary, but it isn’t.  It’s a real thing, and according to the picture, at least one person must have made it.  So that means you can.  I have a kitchen full of things like ketchup and half-eaten supermarket rotisserie chickens.  But it’s Sunday and I really want something special, so come on over and help me out.  Here’s the recipe.

Turtle Burger Recipe

  • Handmade ground beef patties, topped with sharp cheddar cheese, wrapped in a bacon weave.
  • Add hotdogs as the heads, legs with slits for toes and tail.
  • Place on an oven rack, covered loosely with foil and baked for 20-30 minutes at 400 degrees.
  • A little crispy, not too crunchy…just how a turtle should be, no?

That doesn’t sound too hard, does it?  Plus you get to come to my house and see my Hugh Hefner smoking jacket.  Oh!  And also I have a TV and all my clothes are dirty, which is why I’m just wearing the smoking jacket.  Oh please help me.  Without Turtle Burgers I won’t make it.*

*I’ll probably make it, but I’ll have to eat pepper and juice from a plastic lemon.  🙁