You won’t lose weight because cheeseburgers are better than church, you won’t be a better person because your heart is black like soot, and you sure as hell won’t quit smoking because if raising the price to a black market kidney per pack didn’t persuade you nothing will.

Why do New Years Resolutions always encompass drastic life altering self promises? You are liars. All of you. I am le unimpressed.
I like it simple. I like it attainable.


After the Jump: Things I Resolve To Do in 2012


• Eat more bunnies.
• Campaign for something on the platform of being Pro-Ham.
• Fight prejudice against using toothpicks.
• Buy a Sharkbanana.
• Plan for multiple terrorist rabid badger attack situations.
• Give my mother more reasons to drink.
• Shave a Z into the back of someone’s head.
• Take over a CHAIR.
• Construct a detachable penis.
• Use the word yo more.
• Violate a couch cushion.
• Enter into a pact with Satan. Or Steve.
• Charge double for my opinion.
• Monthly Chinese Fire Drills.
• Watch Inception 100 more times.
• Prepare my cat for the apocalypse.
• Smoke bacon.

Seventeen is enough.
Don’t want to set the bar too high.