I slept upside down last night. It wasn’t the result of being intoxicated or anything dramatic, I was just tired and talking to the dog and decided to sleep down there with my head at the foot of the bed. This of course offended canine sensibilities as dogs always want to know their place in the pack and you’re not supposed to sleep in their spot. The repeated sighs reminded me of another passive aggressive sleepover guest who always knew exactly where she wanted to sleep in a bed. It started me thinking about what side of the bed is best to sleep on and other myths.

Getting up on the wrong side of the bed.

Getting up on the wrong side of the bed is an old superstition dating back to the times of the Romans. It has to do with the sinister or left side of things which were reputedly bad or unlucky. I can still remember the nuns telling me to use my right hand exclusively. Yes that’s right I was cured of being ambidextrous because of a Roman superstition. I don’t really give a dam about putting my right foot (The good foot) forward first and don’t have an obsession with sleeping on either side of the bed but I have noticed that I do follow the pattern that’s been observed among couples traveling.

Sheets that solve the problem once and for all

This is an atavistic response related to when we were living in caves. Unconsciously a couple will arrange themselves with the man on the side of the bed with the greatest perceived threat. I personally think that if a sabertooth tiger breaks down the door of the Holiday Inn we’re shit out of luck no matter which side of the bed I’m sleeping on but I still find myself sleeping nearest the door. One other theory has it that many men prefer to sleep with their dominant hand free for similar reasons. All this of course has no bearing to ending up sleeping on the couch after asking your partner too many stupid questions about why they’re sleeping on that side of the bed.

Pantyhose are better than Garter Belts

Remember that scene in Bull Durham? Your pitching will improve if you put the rose in front buddy! Left handers do not throw a better curve ball either guys. Anyway, ladies would it surprise you that there is a growing opinion that the idea that pantyhose are better than garter belts is a myth perpetuated by the pantyhose manufacturers?

A garter belt is of course worn around the waist and there are four straps hanging from the belt to hold up your hosiery. This was of course because originally silk stockings did not have elastic bands. Silk is more durable than nylons, sexier and luxurious to feel when worn next to the skin. Silk hosiery is more expensive but that’s because they’re not the pantyhose you buy in the supermarket. Don’t compare that flimsy thing you bought in the sex shop to a real garter belt either. Try the real thing sometime and enjoy being both sexy and comfortable. Of course if you really want to free yourself from the tyranny of strangling pantyhose with the crotch too low just wear pants all winter and never shave your legs at all.

Don’t swallow bubble gum

Remember when you were in grade school and they told you that there were spider eggs in your bubble gum? Hah, you scoffed, that’s so stupid. But then your teacher had you swallow your gum and everyone told you it takes SEVEN YEARS to digest? Ok I’ll give you a pass because you were eight and gullible. It’s true you can’t digest gum but it just passes right through. That stick of Juicy Fruit that Mrs. Hatchetface made you swallow in third grade is not still stuck to the side of your intestines. It went right through, at the normal rate it came out on the other side in about twenty four hours. It went out the same way it went out and would be perfectly chewable if not for where it came out.

You’re going to inherit your Mom’s butt

This one is a man myth. Ladies if you catch your man checking out Mom and he doesn’t have a computer full of MILF porn he’s probably actually thinking long term and trying to figure out what your butt will look like in twenty years. You’re still allowed to kick him in the shin for thinking about your butt instead of babies and whatnot but give him a little break for at least thinking about the commitment. The truth is that your future butt is going to be determined by your diet, exercise, job and number of children. Think about it logically, there are a lot of sisters who don’t look alike so they can’t all end up with the same butt can they? Men just aren’t very logical when it comes to these sorts of things so just grit your teeth and remember the old joke:  All men are pigs but most women seem to like bacon.


Use a straw to get drunk faster

Do I have to explain science to you? The amount of alcohol you ingest determines the state of your sobriety. There are charts and some bars even have breathalyzers to help determine who wins the drunken idiot of the night award. No the real secret is the type of glass you’re drinking from. A study has shown that even experienced bartenders pour more into short glasses than tall skinny ones, up to twenty or thirty percent more. “They focus on the height of what they are pouring at the expense of the width,” said the study author Brian Wansick, Ph.D. author of Mindless Eating. Throw away your highball glasses if you want to get drunk faster.

Both Cornmeal and Vange missed this one

If only I could use all my brain I’d be a superhero or at least smarter.

I admit that it feels to me like my brain isn’t working to full capacity. Sometimes it seems like I’m firing all the cylinders and sometimes that most of the plugs aren’t firing at all. The truth is that we do use our entire brains not just ten percent and we’re not suddenly going turn telepathic or something like that if we work our brains to full capacity. This is one of those things like the canals of Mars that we just can’t seem to shake despite scientific evidence to the contrary because the idea is so great and it seems so plausible. The truth is that with brain imaging studies we can actually see there are no inactive parts of the brain. While the brain is remarkably resilient stroke victims, people with brain damage, and lobotomy patients all demonstrate that reducing the size of the brain has severe consequences.

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Let’s face it the world is full of these myths; You don’t have to drink eight glasses of water every day. Men with big feet aren’t always well endowed. Sugar doesn’t really make kids hyper. Eating at night doesn’t make you fatter and fat free food isn’t going to reduce your waistline. Funny smelling business cards are not laced with Buragunda. UPS uniforms have not been stolen. Jason Lee and Linda Smith are not hackers trying to get into your face book account and……… President Barack Obama wasn’t born in Kenya!

President Obama did not actually demand Superman give up his American Citizenship.