We can rebuild you, Steve Austin

Categories:TV
Sangfroid

Acadia reviews all the good TV shows so what is there left for the peons like me to talk about? Well, this isn’t 1979 and there are more than thirteen channels of shit on the TV to chose from Pink. Let’s roll the random number generator and hit the remote. *drumroll* and the result is………Look-A-Like. I can’t get an old episode of Babylon 5 or one of the forty channels with Dr. Phil? Just my luck.

“Watch the sensational head-to-toe makeovers led by top celebrity stylists. Paul Venoit makes up each face like only a top Hollwood make-up artist can. Jeffrey Altenburg cuts, dyes and styles with the latest looks that the celebs are wearing. Then Alissia Marciano dresses each look-a-like in the hottest and hippest fashions out there. Following the unbelievable transformations, the look-a-likes are captured on camera by celebrity photographer Richard Sibbald making each shot magazine cover worthy!”

Okay, they take some normal person and rebuild them to look like a Hollywood star. All I can think of is LA. Confidential where the hookers improve their business by making themselves look like the stars. The plot twist is, of course, that once you know it’s all makeup and hair, you can’t tell the difference between a real star and a hooker.

Ed Exley: Shut up! A hooker cut to look like Lana Turner is still a hooker.
Johnny Stompanato: Hey!
Ed Exley: She just looks like Lana Turner.
Jack Vincennes: She *is* Lana Turner.
Ed Exley: [stunned] What?
Jack Vincennes: She *is* Lana Turner.
[Lana throws a drink in Ed’s face]

I’m not getting into the mood of this thing, Celebrity makeover! I want to look like someone who’s cool and sexy and gets interviewed by Joan Rivers on the red carpet. Who do I look like? Let’s go to the Celebrity look-a-like page. After it gets done hijacking my homepage and raping my search engine it says  I look like Ernest Borgnine.  Reboot, Let’s say Lady Gaga wants to look like a celebrity. The app says she looks like Daniela Pestova or Johnny Dep  (I noticed that Lady Gaga doesn’t appear on the celebs that look like Lady Gaga. I was worried about that Ernest Borgnine thing) We’ve got a winner let’s send her over to hair.

“Baby you’ve just had too many bad dye jobs but we’re going to make you look WONDERFUL.” Apparently it’s a cardinal sin to dye your own hair or trim your own bangs. Still, he does great hair. He makes my gay hair stylist look straight; he must charge a fortune for hair styling.

Lady Gaga is in curlers on to makeup.

“Sweetie I just love Daniela Pestova. She’s got all this gold. She’s gold all over.” Not being privy to the arcane art of makeup, I’m assuming that the sixteen different gold highlights he’s troweling on are the height of the makeup stylist’s art. He does a great job. The girl is glowing when he’s done. He however makes the hair stylist look straight.

On to the clothes.

“We’re gonna turn you into a fashionista!” It’s time to dish over the rags with a real girl. Once Lady Gaga is stuffed into whatever costume that the star was wearing last week it’s back to the guys for some catty comments. Did you know Scarlett Johansson is using bust enhancing tops? *gasp* I thought she had pretty good natural cleavage. Poor Lady Gaga has to stand there with her inadequate breasts* while the comments are being made but hey she looks like Johnny Depp now and her old boring self has been left behind.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m being hard on the show. I always pick the before pictures on these makeover shows but then again I’ve never wanted to be someone else.

Disclaimer – I don’t personally think Lady Gaga’s breasts are inadequate. WikiAnswers says 34A

Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

13 Comments

  1. Nicole
    July 19, 2010 at 8:12 am

    I’ve visited My Heritage before and uploaded a picture to the celeb look-a-like thingy. One of my celebs was Scarlett. It’s kind of interesting to see what stars come up.

    • sangfroid
      sangfroidReply
      July 19, 2010 at 10:26 am

      I tried a couple of different stars Nikki. The only one they matched was one where I used the actual same photo. It actually told me she looked like Kevin Costner and Johnny Dep that wasn’t a joke.

      Also I was very displeased that heritage hijacked my home page and search engine. I found a portion of my firewall turned off too. So there was a reset and a full computer scan right away. No viruses or Trojans but still don’t they know that sort of thing is a bad mark against their site?

  2. Mike Golch
    July 19, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Arnold has really let himself go to pot.i guess he does not need the body-builder image he once had.

    • sangfroid
      sangfroidReply
      July 19, 2010 at 10:28 am

      That’s Big Daddy Arnie who’s going to lead California into the Republican promised land. Besides once our style crews get at him he looks like Conan again. Spray paint abs like in 300 and all!

  3. Lisa
    LisaReply
    July 19, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    The insanity of it all! Why would I want to look like someone else? Then I wouldn’t be me, ya know? Celeb shit just yanks at my chain!

  4. Jen
    July 19, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    I’m afraid to try those look a like sites for fear of what they will come up with. Probably Ernest Borgnine. Arnold looks like shit, which makes me feel really good for some reason.

    • Sangfroid
      SangfroidReply
      July 19, 2010 at 1:19 pm

      Any steroid abuser looks like a deflated balloon once they stop taking it.

  5. loolpooq
    July 19, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    for 68 arnold looks great

  6. The Fitness Diva
    July 20, 2010 at 12:35 am

    Aaahhhh, Ahnold….. where did the time (and those abs) go?

    I’ve never dated an Austrian guy, but you coulda been da first! 😉
    That damn Maria…..

    Well, here’s to the memories… of you pickin’ at Lou Ferrigno in Pumping Iron and all those “hasta la vista, baby”s. Aging really is a BITCH!!!

  7. Sangfroid
    SangfroidReply
    July 20, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    I’ve never bought into the whole steroid muscle guy thing. Back in the day when I still lifted on a regular basis I always avoided them. OTOH there was one guy in Syracuse who was in his sixties and never balooned himself and he was in really great shape.

  8. catswiththumbs
    July 20, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    You ‘shopped Arnold’s head to Pelosi’s body.

    Propagandist. Usurper.

  9. Acadia
    AcadiaReply
    July 20, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Can that thing turn me into Prince?

    • Sangfroid
      SangfroidReply
      July 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm

      Is there enough makeup?

Let us know what you think. Being on-topic is NOT required.