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Welcome Back Big Brother You Stupid, Stupid Show

Britney Big Brother

She’s a coach. And her team won. Deal with it.

So I found out earlier today that “Big Brother”, the most ridiculous show on television, was starting and my excitement knows no bounds.  I even made a thread on G+ about it.  Apparently some people don’t appreciate the special treat that is “Big Brother” and I just feel badly for them.  Especially since being snobby about TV via the Internet is like being snobby about fast food while having lunch at T.G.I. Fridays.

Anyway, if you have never seen the show it doesn’t matter because while they always keep the basic premise (whoever is the one person not voted out of the house wins $500k) they mess with the rest of things every single year.  One year they bring back old players, another year they kick people out then let them back in.  One year, I swear to god, every single contestant was given a fleshlight and a machete and they were supposed to use both at least once on every other house guest so they could win a Jet Ski.

If you want to know why No-neck Britney up there is in the banner and being called a “coach” you will find out after the jump.  If you don’t then have fun admiring your fancy sculptures, Mister ART!

The “twist” this year is that they only had 12 players and they brought back four past players as “Coaches”.  Each coach picked three players and whichever person wins the actual game, their coach will win $100k.  But in order to make sure every knew how “cut throat” the game is, they had a challenge and made the losing team’s coach cut one of his own players.  Send them home.  ON THE FIRST NIGHT!

And in typical Big Brother fashion, while all they ever do is yap about how the game is so “cerebral” the first challenge was 100% physical and the team of all girls lost and the one who got cut was the only one on the team who wasn’t hot.  Which is fine with me.  If I want to watch regular looking people be clever and interesting I will just walk around my job or neighborhood.  Who needs TV for that?  Do they have shows called: “Aim for the Middle!” or “Just a Camera Pointed at the Food Court”?  They do not.  Nor should they.  And yes, I will write about this three times a week (which is when it is on).  It’s summer.  Lighten up and get ready for my hot white bullets of EPISODE FACTS!  These will of course assume you have watched the show.  If you haven’t it will be totes intriguing.

  • Mike Boogie looks like the Hobgoblin.
  • Britney is the prettiest girl this season.
  • Britney is only 1/10000000000th as pretty as the dude at the bottom of the post.  Dude is like, hypnotic.
  • I foresee the whole “I’m Russel from Survivor’s brother” guy doing poorly.
  • Since the only black person in the show has already been eliminated, it is obvious that racism is alive and well.
  • They promised a new power will be given out next week.  I hope it’s super speed.

And now – the pretty dude!

About The Author

Acadia Einstein

I'm the funny one. And the handsome one. And I pay for everything.


  1. Brooke

    I can’t stand this show, and yes he does make a pretty girl.

    • Acadia

      You love this show so much.

  2. Evan

    holy shit is that Fabio?

    • Acadia

      He sort of looks like a cross between Fabio and Aslan.

  3. sj

    I am TOTALLY watching – shut up everyone who isn’t Acadia – I look forward to this EVERY DAMN SUMMER.

    I wish they’d brought back Dr. Will instead of Mike Boogie – everyone knows that the Doctor was the better half of Chill-Town. But still, at least Boogie is there to represent the earlier BB seasons.

    Dude, Wil was cracking me up, he is totes the gayest thing since gay came to Gaytown (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

    I also thought how racist it was that the ONE NON-WHITE PERSON was cut the first episode. C’mon, even stupid Kalia from last season lasted longer than that, and she was actually annoying!

    I don’t have a favourite yet, but I kind of hope it’s someone on Boogie’s team.

    • Acadia

      Did you ever also notice that there are NEVER any Aztecs on that show? PFFT!

  4. Robert Bodden

    I’m disturbed you used fleshlight in an actual sentance. 😯

    • Acadia

      I don’t make the news, Bodden. I just report it.

  5. Maitland

    I find Britney hilarious in addition to being the hottest. So, I’m glad she is back. Is there any incentive for the players to win for their team, though?

  6. Jenn Martinelli

    OMG I can’t even read anything about this show. I couldn’t get past bikini girl’s camel toe.

    Why, America? Why?


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