Last year I almost managed to bring home approximately one hundred and twenty five pounds of Candy. Unfortunately for me she wised up at the last minute. Your average kid brings home three to five pounds of candy from trick-or-treat and while it might not be a bleached blonde waitress the stuff is still pretty good. Think of it as a matter of saving the economy. Americans will spend $9 BILLION dollars on Halloween which averages out to about twenty bucks per person. It’s practically your patriotic duty to be one of the households upgrading from fun size bars to full sized sized candy bars.

Candy gets a bad rap, soft drinks and juice actually account for 46% of the sugar in the American diet. While it’s true that Candy is not a “Health Food” like Tootsie Rolls once tried to pass themselves off as “Eat Tootsie Rolls — The Luscious Candy That Helps Beat Fatigue!” a lot of foods that carry the health food halo like Granola bars have very similar nutritional values when you look at the label. At least we can stop worrying that it’s giving the kids polio.

Tricks: You can decide if this is a list of the best candy
5th Avenue (1 full-size bar) — 280 calories, 14g fat
Snickers (1 full-size bar) — 280 calories, 14g fat
Twix Caramel (2 bars) — 280 calories, 14g fat
Baby Ruth (1 full-size bar) — 280 calories, 13g fat
Butterfinger (1 full-size bar) — 270 calories, 11g fat
Milky Way (1 full-size bar) — 260 calories, 10g fat
Mr. Goodbar (1 full-size bar) — 210 calories, 14g fat

Adult things to do with the kid’s Halloween candy

  • Peeps aren’t just for Easter anymore. If you find one of these offensive sugar coated marshmallow things shaped like a pumpkin or a ghost show the kids how to stick em in the microwave. This is science and educational and you don’t want your kids eating this stuff that’s questionably food. See the thing is marshmallows are mostly sugar and water trapped around air bubbles. Microwaves make the water molecules vibrate very quickly, next thing you know the air bubbles are expanding and you’ve got giant peep blob growing and quivering B movie special FX.
  • You might have heard about the kids having their gummy worms and bears confiscated at school. This is because a few bad apples have been soaking them in Vodka. Us adults who’ve been legally drinking for a while can overdo Vodka worms so be careful you’re not a teenager anymore. You can also create a Vodka infusion by dropping candy into Vodka. Personally I think I’ll stick to Black Pepper infusions but hey you might like Snickers flavored Vodka.
  • If you’re old enough to remember the obnoxious brat that would eat the Life Cereal you can reenact the experiment that supposedly killed Mikey. The kid who played Mikey works as an advertizing account executive but it’s a lot more fun thinking he ate six bags of PoP Rocks then guzzled Coke till his stomach exploded. PoP Rocks are made by allowing hot sugar to mix with 600 PSI Carbon Dioxide so if you explode don’t blame me.
  • If you’re hard up and thinking about selling a few quarts of blood this month think about selling the Halloween candy. Designated dentists will give you up to a buck a pound for this. There has to be a way to scam these tooth decay Nazi’s. Maybe try wrapping rocks up with the wrappers from the candy you just ate.
  • Hot Chocolate Peanut Butter Toast is a favorite of mine. Toast plus Reese’s Peanut Butter cup = Decadent Treat. This is way too good for the kids. Hoard all the peanut butter cups for yourself. Explain that it’s not Fair Trade peanut butter or not Locavore or something. That’s way better than claiming there’s a Switch Witch.