You know what you should do when life hands you a lemon? Chuck it at some jerk. That’s what I did when I found out we got kicked off of our host. Then when the new host didn’t work for a week. And then again when we found out we came in third (OUT OF THREE, MIND YOU) in our category in the Open Web Awards. Yep. We got lemons made out of anthrax and razor blades and sin.
So, what do you do when things go wrong? Well, here is a quick list. I usually sell things like this (to suckers) but in this case, since I haven’t written anything but FUCKING CHECKS for a month, I will give it to you for free. Please note that not all things are needed in every situation. Feel free to mix and match.
WHAT TO DO WHEN JERKS (AND FATE) SCREW YOU OVER
- Cry and piss yourself.
- Blame someone else (bluehost.com you dicks)
- Write an angry letter and then forget to send it because you were drunk (see # 5).
- Get drunk.
- Forget the whole thing (please note that this only works for like an hour or so depending on how drunk you are).
- Persevere (this usually works eventually but it takes FOREVER).
- Try to fix things with increasingly stupid moves. Each thing you do should make the problem worse. Then, when you ask for help, insist that everything was already like that.
- Offer bribes to people who may or may not be able to help.
- Call old girlfriends and bitch to them (this is not really related to anything but number 5). And if you are gonna call people and complain, make sure you don’t explain it. Or if you do, be vague.
Now, as I go back through this list, I realize I left some things out. I didn’t say anything about all the calls to the help desk, the sulking and the pills. But you get the gist of it. Sometimes life isn’t fair. And when it isn’t, you need to remember that at some point, you might be back on top. And then you can take revenge. So just bide your time and wait. Why, even as we speak, I am compiling a list of all the people who DIDN’T vote for us in the Open Web Awards.
And I will visit every one of you. Oh yes I will.*
So if you’re happy and you know it leave a comment! Anyone who does will get…their name in the comments. What am I? Drew Carey?
*No I won’t. I am pretty lazy.