Whodunnit Killer RevealedKids, Acadia is out of the office this week, so he asked if I could recap tonight’s episode of Whodunnit. I can’t say I’ve ever watched the show (or, um, read the previous recaps), but I lost the bet was generous enough to volunteer anyway.  Since I don’t actually know what’s going on, I went ahead and live blogged the whole show so you could suffer right along with me get the full viewing experience. You’re welcome.

  • I missed the first five minutes.  They’re hacking into ice giant ice blocks. Butler guy is talking and says “Then you will have three minutes to scrutinize another area.” I snicker because I’m five.
  • There is some argument about who gets to do what, then they get cards with random assignments.  I realize this show makes exactly zero sense.
  • Blondie goes to the hot tub where someone (Ronnie?) died.  There is a bunch of ice in it and a cup of frozen coffee.  She’s trying to figure it out but I’ve already solved the case – IT WAS MR. FREEZE.  [Mr. Freeze: Icccccce to see you, Ronnie.“]
  • Eyebrows McGee is looking at Ronnie’s frozen body.  She mugs for the camera and says “I see a thermometer on a tray.” I pray it is an anal thermometer, just to see if Ronnie can keep playing dead (It’s called ACTING, Ronnie).  Ronnie is not only frozen but poisoned, too. Eyebrows solemnly says “Rest in peace, my friend.”  I change the f***ing channel.
  • Now they’re brainstorming. Blondie doesn’t quite know how to pronounce integral. Eyebrows (Melena?) uses her professor voice to name all the types of drinks that exist.  Black guy concludes she’s not the killer because he realizes she’s too gd dumb to figure out how to kill anyone.
  • Now there’s a riddle.  What could the thing in the canister be? DON’T ANYONE GUESS LIQUID NITROGEN, WE STILL HAVE 30 MINUTES TO FILL! Then they all run to the kitchen and dig through giant tubs of castor beans (WHICH – GOSH – MAKE RICIN) to find poorly rhymed clues and…a F***INGG WORD JUMBLE.  I…I can’t even.
  • Black dude wins because he knows longer words than anyone else.
  • The killer used liquid nitrogen to launch Ronnie into the pool.  BUT WAIT.  He was poisoned too!  Nice work, Mr. Freeze.  [Mr. Freeze: “Ronnie, take two of deeeeese and call me in the morning”]
  • The contestants are walking in circles and gesturing awkwardly to pantomime thinking.  Actual thinking not being an option, because…well…yeah. Then there’s…dinner?  Wait, no one’s dying tonight?  Mr. Freeze, you are LETTING ME DOWN.  [Mr. Freeze: “Tonight, hell freezes ovaaaa”]
  • Suddenly everyone is playing pool.  Then…sigh…they go for a ride..and…more stuff…I don’t even know.  This episode has lasted approximately 14 hours. Maybe they’ll all bite it in the last five minutes and we’ll be spared next week’s installment.
  • Oh, now the show’s over. And, damn, based on the preview, at least some of them survived. Hopefully Mr. Freeze will be a little more aggressive next Sunday.  [Mr. Freeze: “I’m going to kick some icccce!”]

So. There you have it. Acadia will be back to recap the exciting events of next week’s finale, which I can only hope and pray will go something like this: