With last night’s Whodunnit finale, the torture has ended and the killer is revealed. Well, by “ended,” I mean we don’t have to suffer another episode. Tragically, there’s still this recap to get through, so let’s get started, shall we?
- Just in case we’ve already forgotten what’s happened, the show plays a recap of all the episodes to date. I realize that this show has a thing for rhyming. Well, not exactly rhyming in that rhyming typically…rhymes.
- Apparently thousands of people tried out but only these twelve geniuses were able to make the cut. We are reminded that they are “real people” not “actors.” Sigh.
- Back to the present. The remaining contestants are being shown a video of the butler tied up and surrounded by weapons. And not tied up like ANY NORMAL PERSON would do. The room is literally festooned with a bunch of crisscrossing ropes, like Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap was in charge of decor. Butler will die if they don’t solve a set of riddles. Mr. Freeze has clearly subbed this one out to Shelob and The Riddler. Which is actually a show I would watch.
- Another riddle. PARLOR DOESN’T RHYME WITH HOLLER, A**HOLES. F**k it, I’m going to start writing these down.
- Eyebrows McGee is dead. Strangled with beads. I laugh, because (again) I’m six.
- I realize now that there are in fact two blondes that I can’t actually tell apart. Engineer Barbie thinks Beauty Queen Barbie (Kris) is the killer. Beauty Queen Barbie is conventionally hot and therefore probably is the killer.
- The corpse of Eyebrows is holding a piece to the puzzle. Literally. An actual giant puzzle piece. With a rhyme. “I saw with my eyes Melina weep. This puzzle piece is yours to keep.” 9:18 means there’s…42 more minutes left of this. *pours a drink*
- For no apparent reason, Butler supposedly dies off screen. “Sorry…But I had to dispose of that Giles. Ship back his English corpse to the British Isles.” I guess the guy who wrote Mr. Freeze’s witty banter was unavailable.
- Now all the previously dead contestants are back to hand out puzzle pieces for solving challenges (no, really). The contestant who burned to death (Dantae, naturally) makes them pick a saint’s medal: St. Agatha or St. Elmo. These writers should be reading the Gallery to get their dumb trivia straight.
- “I got snake bit a few days ago, while the rest of you guys were all yelling ‘Whoa.” I have given up recapping for just writing down these dumb riddles.
- Engineer Barbie has to fish under dead Ronnie’s goods in the hot tub to find a bean. *blinks*
- Kris is trying to circle the differences between two pictures It’s like every challenge on this show is from a very special edition of Highlights magazine brought to you by the people who write the jokes on Popsicle sticks.
- “It’s rare that you’d survive the attack of a lion. I died from cyanide without even tryin’ ” Just…no, Whoodunit. No. *slaps show on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper*
- Each contestant is running around separately. Why would the killer be trying to figure out the clues to guess who the killer is? This has Riddler written ALL OVER IT.
- Poor Kam. He can’t believe that Beauty Queen Barbie might be the killer, even after Engineer Barbie gets killed. Kam doesn’t quite seem to get that there are only two people left who could be the killer and it’s not him. Kam fails at logic. And math.
- Beauty Queen Barbie helps him along by proving her identity with (what else!) a rhyme. “Enough of the riddles, the ruckus, the rhymes. I committed those murders 11 straight times.” She wins some points by being unable to keep a straight face for this.
- The mysteriously still-alive Giles shows up with a pair of golden handcuffs (No, REALLY). As the “cops” are leading the cuffed Kris away, one of them solemnly intones “Take her away, boys.” I pretend it went like this:
So that’s it, kids. Beauty Queen Barbie, the unfortunately named Cris Crotz, is your killer. Look for her appearing in her own reality show and/or some kind of cleavage-y photo shoot soon (in the meantime, you can see more photos of her in the gallery below or on her Model Mayhem page). But before we go, here’s TV murderer and former Miss Nevada Cris Crotz demonstrating a very particular set of skills, skills that made Whodunnit producers know she had what it takes to be their killer. That’s right. Rhyming. Terrible, terrible, rhyming.