How to Win Big at the Kentucky Derby

The Kentucky Derby is this weekend. This means several things, depending on your station in life. If you’re currently amazing, you’re at the Derby and having a blast no matter whether you’re wealthy wearing seersucker or broke wearing camo cargo shorts. If you’re currently less than amazing, you should at least salvage your weekend by getting enthused however possible for the Derby.

I’ve attended the last two Derbies on Millionaire’s Row*. I know very little about how to successfully bet the Kentucky Derby. However, I do know the most scientific way to bet the Kentucky Derby is to bet based on Horse names. You find the name you like, if the odds are good, you bet whatever amount of money you want. If the odds make the horse a longshot, you bet “less”.

*Probably not Millionaire’s Row, but, that sentence rolls off the tongue. As well, I got lost for a bit and c’mon, it’s not like I had a guy there with me taking notes. So, maybe.

So, let’s take a look at this field. Odds taken from here.

Vicar’s in Trouble (30-1)

Here’s the thing. If Vicar is in trouble, I want to help him. Or, do I? Maybe I want to throw him into a lake. Or, maybe he’s already in a lake. That’s the thing about this horse name, I don’t know what kind of trouble Vicar is in. But, I want to know. I’m on board. If it turns out Vicar just has a gambling problem and it’s with a legitimate casino and not bookies with mob connections, then this could be a bust. However, if it turns out that Vicar is wearing a fresh suit with a fancy watch in the wrong part of town and is about to get his head kicked in and his wallet stolen. Well, I want to be there. From a comfortable distance probably not helping out poor Vicar, but, making note of his story.

Harry’s Holiday (50-1)

Talk about boring. Where’s Harry having his Holiday? You leave that ambiguous in a freakin’ horse name? Harry’s Holiday to Guam is an instantly better name and I know nothing about information the Guam tourism bureau would provide. Harry’s Excessive Holiday. Harry’s Extraordinary Holiday. Harry’s Somewhat Mundane Holiday. Lots of options.

Uncle Sigh (30-1)

Named after the Duck Dynasty guy. I’m not sure if there is a better example than this of the downfall of our society based on reality television.

Danza (10-1)

Look, it’s too easy to talk about this horse. Best name in the field. Tony Danza Who’s the Boss, etc., etc., etc., Can’t even argue this. If you’re betting the Derby based on name, you’re betting on Danza.

California Chrome (5-2)

The odds on favorite. Here’s a Kentucky Derby fact…No horse has ever lost the Derby when named after a strain of medical marijuana. California Chrome looks to continue that fascinating trend.

Samraat (15-1)

Samraat is an Ancient Indian title sometimes translated into modern English as “Emperor.” As far as Ancient American Titles sometimes translated into modern English go, Samraat means, “seems easy to pronounce, but there’s likely some stuck up hidden pronunciation that you’re going to judge me for screwing up.”

We Miss Artie (50-1)

Is it bad luck to make fun of a horse who is named after someone who died? Also, I’m assuming this horse is named after someone who died. I will be disappointed if it’s named after some dude who decided to go to Australia for a couple months and will be back come July with a bunch of stories and a better accent.

General A Rod (15-1)

Not named after that A-Rod, yet also named after owner Armando Rodriguez. Feel free to hate this horse for that stupidity.

Vinceremos (30-1)

This horse is named after a therapeutic riding center in Florida, and in latin means to conquer or overcome. Before researching that, I had assumed the owner was naming the horse after Vince Vaughn, decided against that tactic and just added a few random letters on the end.

Wildcat Red (15-1)

The Derby being in Louisville, Kentucky, this horse represents the Wildcats of Kentucky and the Red of the Louisville Cardinals. Feel free to hate this horse for that stupidity.

Hoppertunity (SCRATCHED)

Hoppertunity was named because the owner decided to add letters in front of the word “opportunity” and thought this sounded cool. He was wrong. He also attempted to misspell opportunity in order to throw people off track. It didn’t work. Hoppertunity is also scratched and out of the Derby already. Coincidence? Of course not.

Dance with Fate (20-1)

Is it too much to ask for this horse to dance it’s way to the starting gate? Really, this is tough to call from the name alone. I mean, on the one hand, the name is definitely better than a lot of these other names. However, what if the fated dance of Dance with Fate is the Macarena?

Chitu (20-1)

Even puppynames.com can’t help us here. Never name anything Chitu. Unless the thing you are naming has sworn vengeance upon you already and you are hedging your bets.

Medal Count (20-1)

This is a strong, powerful horse name. I would guess there are two main methods behind naming a horse successfully. A very entertaining name, or, coming up with a name that you believe will still hold up when people wikipedia that horse in 22 years. Medal Count doesn’t pass that first test, but, I feel like it succeeds in the latter.

Tapiture (15-1)

When you google “Tapiture meaning” the first entry that comes up leads to urbandictionary.com This is a very exciting development. The allure of this horse being what’s hot in the streets only lasts for but a fleeting moment, as the meaning itself is rather lackluster.

Intense Holiday (12-1)

Really? You can’t just merge with Harry and come up with Harry’s Intense Holiday? This is not high level stuff here.

Commanding Curve (50-1)

If the owner of this horse chose this name because, and he most certainly did, horse race tracks have curves and he desires this horse to command said curves, then this horse should immediately find itself removed from the Derby. Or, at least forced to run the race while wearing a ridiculously big hat. Why hasn’t that happened yet?

Candy Boy (20-1)

Hey, I wonder if someone will use a headline involving the word “sweet” if Candy Boy wins the Kentucky Derby. Oh, you mean someone would be everyone?

Ride on Curlin (15-1)

So, this horse is named “Ride on Curlin” because the father of this horse was named “Curlin.” Which makes this name rather disappointing. I would have accepted any of the following sequel based names:

Curlin 2: Electric Boogaloo

Curlin 2: The Secret of the Ooze

Curlin 2: The Second One

Curlin 2: Cruise Control

Curlin 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold

Wicked Strong (8-1)

This horse was originally named Boston Strong, but, apparently that is trademarked by David Ortiz. So, this name came about because Boston people always make everyone chuckle when they say Wicked. This also marks Pedro Martinez’s first appearance as a jockey in the Kentucky Derby.

Pablo Del Monte

This horse is not currently in the race. I don’t know the selection criteria, but, I’m sure, “being named after a company known for Lite Pear Halves” does not help you get off the sidelines and onto the track.